It has been a long while since I had the time or the energy to sit down and write. The lessons I have learned over this last 5-6 months have been massive, but they came in such unexpected ways. An old mentor of mine said to me in college once, "these hard and trying moments in your life are gifts, they might not come in the package you want them too, but they are still a gift to you."
Really, some of the gifts in this last few months I wished came with a gift receipt, but nonetheless I think she was right. Part of my lack of writing, too, has come from this crazy inability to not be able to keep up with the circumstances that were out of my control and the lessons I was learning. When I would feel ready to process some of my learning it seemed like a new curve ball was coming.
I remember, ironically sitting in the parking lot of a Taco Bell in Redding, thinking there are always missing pieces to some one's life story that we are unaware of. I was unaware at the time what God was doing in me, but I think that Taco Bell moment was significant. Also, in my time at Mosaic in LA I had a boss that mentored me and challenged me consistently, and the thing I walked away from after working for Eric was "always believe the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt." Eric is very wise and constantly pushed me to live a life that exuded belief in people and challenged my heart to really give people the benefit of the doubt. Now I have to say this was not an easy or pretty process. He was relentless in his belief that this is how we should treat people. Eric always did that with me and I can remember the feeling of getting off the phone with him or walking out of his office and being aware of my shortcomings and places of growth but somehow at the same time I didn't feel defeated, just the opposite in fact. I felt like I could conqueror the world...and of course deal with the area of character that was pointed out.
I share all that because so many times in this last season of life I have drawn on that wisdom. Not necessarily just finding the good in others in the place I worked in Florida, but just a gentle reminder of that feeling that I so needed in this last few months that God sees us and God believes the best in us and God gives us the "benefit of the doubt." I said to Sam last night, I wonder what God has been doing in me as of late. And as I lay awake at 5:30am (the east to west coast time change has me a little off kilter) I was just quiet allowing God to just be in my heart and thoughts with me. It wasn't easy, I must admit. I was reminded of my good friend Jill who with words and also silently by the way she lived her life taught me that there will be times it will feel like you just can't stop the thoughts and fears that roll through you head...just be still a little longer.
I did lay there a bit longer and allowed the pain and fears of this last week to just be. I tried to not run away from it, but looked for the gift. There was no loud voice speaking to me, or clear thought that seemed to make the circumstances of our life go away, but then gently I felt peace.
It's been a season full of curve balls & bouncers that we just haven't been able to share with all of you, but everyone knows what a curve ball (or bouncer) feels like in their life. For me, I have HATED these, but eventually you have to learn to navigate your way through them. And while this last 2 weeks where we have had to make some huge life decisions that we never expected to have to make, especially in our first year of marriage, this has become the main and gentle lesson that I believe God just might be trying to help me understand at new levels. We have left Florida because of job situations, and now we are heading to NZ to live in October. We have had many other curve balls, unfortunately in this week, but the thing I love is that there really is a gift for us in this. Sam and I have become more of a team in this last season of curve balls and bouncers. We can't control the curve balls, but we are learning to trust that God is for us and we can control our reaction to the curve balls. If we really believe God is for us then it makes a curve ball season that seems to be like a batting cage gone bad, actually becomes a little easier to respond in love and peace.
Life has taken us a few places over this year, thank you for following our journey. It isn't always pretty but I do love sharing the different learnings. One doesn't always need to share the circumstances to be able to communicate the deep lessons that have been learned. I will keep you as posted as I have the energy to do so. We are visiting family and friends this month, then will head on to NZ on October 26th. There are so many unknowns and fears and I am sure even curve balls and bouncers waiting for us there but my prayer and hope is that I will not only continue to experience trust and peace, but also that I would continue to see that there are always unseen things in others lives that we just don't have the privilege of seeing, so in light of that, much like how God has treated us and responded to us, we will respond with grace and love.
Until next time....here is a picture from my Birthday last night. Sam got me this dress for my bday :)
