Dream Collision: Philanthropist and Parenting

One of my secret dreams has always been to make lots of money to give lots of money away. But as a kid I always remember my Mom saying, "if you can't manage $10 you will never be able to manage 10,000 or 10,000,000. And if you can't give away 10 cents of your dollar you will never give way thousands of your milions" I always took that to heart. It's funny what you remember when you are little.

The last month I was turned on to this new website. www.kiva.org It is incredible! You can loan as little as $25 to a person trying to start a small buisness in a developing country. Here is how it works:


And the payback rate is 98% I believe. Pretty cool!

I don't make much money. And, in fact, I have been kind of stressed out about how little I make as I think about my future. (Do you see why I named my blog what I did?) I live in a city that constantly, non-verbally tells me I have to make money and I have to do it fast. LA is full of people trying to make money, making money, and dreaming about making money. Yet I have plenty of food in my fridge, I have more clothes than I can wear, and I have a lot of extras. The KIVA process reminds me that I can be a Philanthropist no matter how much money I make it. My mom was right. (aren't they always?) If I won't do it making the little I make now, I will never do it if I make milions.

One of my dreams is to raise a family, too. Tonight that just isn't a reality...well because I don't have one:) But tonight those dreams can collide. I can help a mom with four kids trying to build a life start a business to support her family. So instead of sitting in traffic stressed out about my finances I can actually move towards making my dreams a reality. Tonight I sat on my couch and made a new business friend:



I guess in the end my mom was SO right. And now because she invested that wisdom in me I get to see two of the dreams of my life collide. My gut tells me this is only the beginning...

Chapter 5: Hollywood, Pumpkins and Chocolate

Often I think of my life in terms of a book. Who am I kidding? I always picture the events of my life in chapter form as they read the book of my life. This week was no different. So this week enter into my book with me.

I started off my week helping my friend Samanatha on a movie set in Hollywood. I have never got to be on set before so it was not only fun because I had never done anything like that, but because I got to hang out with some good friends.



I watched a guy smash through a window, saw the behinds the scenes of movie making, saw a man jump from a 5 story building in Hollywood, and saw how much standing around happens in the movie making buisness. My friend Scott, who writes on the Showtime show Dexter, wrote the movie script and then I watched that script come to life. When it is finished I will make sure that I post a blog about it with a link for you to see it. He is a great writer and one day when he is a famous film maker I will say I am friends with him and his family....which leads me to the pumpkin part of my week.

Amy and Scott and their family are really more like family than friends for me. So I know right where to go when it is time for family stuff: soccer games, playing princesses, stopping by at dinner time:), watching the kids, crying over the drama of my week, laughing over TV shows, and of course carving pumpkins!






Then Amy and I just sat eating newly baked pumpkin seeds, watching Survivor and 30 Rock, smelling her yummy candle from the M Store in Redding wishing we had chocolate to eat because it smelled so good.

The chocolate part of my week...well, that is all I have wanted to eat this week and really all that I have ate this week. As I walked home from the store today I thought, no wonder I named my blog what I did. To not have desserts, which I have kind of fought with my whole life, creates yet another place for stress to enter and reside. Why fight it? I constantly try to "not" do things because I have a bad need to be perfect. Again, the journey to New Zealand has so much more to do with the process going and realizing this stuff along the way than actually going to NZ. I hope you are entertained along the way and even relate to some of my moments as well.

Until Later....

Paradox

I am a walking paradox. AND I HATE THAT AND LOVE THAT! See, I am a paradox! It makes me crazy that at one moment I LOVE what I do and then less than three hours later I am crying about being so unfulfilled in what I do. I think I was convinced that I was either bi-polar or just crazy. Today a guy named Lenorad Sweet spent the day with the staff that I work with and he talked about the paradox of humanity.

He reminded us that the world that we live in is not only full of paradoxes but moving more and more in that direction. Such as, why is it that we are making TV's bigger and bigger, yet at the same time they are smaller and smaller. Have you noticed the cooler the TV the more thin it is? And iPods, really? The smaller they are the more space they seem to hold. The latest and greatest are always the smallest and tiniest these days.

This is me. I so desparately want to make sense of life. I want it to be all tied up nice in a little bow--in short, I am a control freak. I think if I pick an extreme then I feel better, but sometimes there just isn't a way to pick. Lenorad Sweet argued that the mystery is living in the tension that you can run hard and fast towards opposite extremes and they don't have to be oposing: ie Bigger TV's that are Smaller.

So can I live with the tension that I go in two totally different directions at the same time? I hate living in LA and then I smile huge loving living in LA when I see "george O'malley" from Grey's Anatomy while we wait for our rides at LAX. I am the jerk who doesn't return phone calls or avoids people in stores and in the same day sacrifice greatly for my friends. I love eating and being healthy and I overeat all the time. I hate the tension, I hate the opposites. Yet I am the opposite. And my extremes are opposites and some of them I am not proud of, yet it is a relief to be honest about who I am--even being imperfect.

The mystery of the tension. I am freinds with Jesus Christ. And today Lenoard reminded me that Jesus is the epitome of paradox. I am friends with an invisible God that I can't always explain yet say that I follow. He invites me into friendship and says follow me. How do you follow someone you can't see?

I stole this from Lenorad, but he said that the perfect example is a plant. It grows intensely in two directions. Deep into the darkness where it is rooted, and up towards the sky in freedom. The darkness of heading towards New Zealand is so real: the fear of unknown, the insecurities, the mourning of saying good bye to what I know versus the thrill of adventure, the feeling of acceptance, the excitement of something new.

Two opposite directions that aren't opposing...I hate it and love it all at once. Is there something to learn in this mystery? Does the mystery of Jesus and my friendship with Him collide with life? Is he in the collision? I think I have spent my whole life trying to avoid collision and I am finding that I learn more about my friend and learn how to trust him more in the collision. This is not easy, but makes me kind of want to find Him more.

Paradox....

Barbie and Star Wars

Confession: I am playing "grown up." I remember looking at these men and women who were so much older and wiser than me and thinking, 'wow they are so mature' or 'man I hope I am that cool' or 'I can't wait to be where they are in life.' This weekend this was my thought, "Yikes I am there and I feel nothing like they look." When did that happen?

I took my little friend Audrey to get her hair cut with me. We spent the day doing 'girly' things, getting our hair done, calling each other on our cell phones (her's is a pink princess phone, but apparentlly it has the ability to call me because she is always talking to me on it), putting on make up, going to lunch, and of course, going to ice cream...because remember what is life without a little dessert? Life without desserts is a stressed out life and that is no way to enjoy the moments that we are given. Throughout the day Audrey giggled and smiled and checked in every so often with me to just tell me she was having a fun day. It made me smile to see her sweet little face so excited to just be hanging out with the "older girls." A little bit crazy to believe that I am no longer that little three year old watching all my mom's friends hoping they take me to the store with them, or put their make up on me, or let me sit in their room while they get ready. Ahhh. the innocence of a young child.

At the end of the day I dropped Audrey off and met friends for drinks at a bar in Pasadena for one of our friend's birthday. I laughed a little as I entered the structure to park thinking how adult it feels to be meeting friends for drinks. Doesn't that stuff only happen on TV? Walking into the bar I thought, well I am guess I am officially grown up now.

Funny thing is though, yesterday as I got ready for work I couldn't decide what to wear. And then it happened. I realized I am not grown up at all! Let me allow you into my mind for a quick second. It wasn't a clothes crisis where nothing looked the way I wanted, nope here is what went through my head: which dana do I want to be today? If I wear this baby doll dress I am innoncent looking sweet Dana. If I wear this dress I am leader Dana that deserves attention. If I wear this dress with tights I am trendy Dana. And all of a sudden I stopped cold. Have I really not grown up? All I was doing was dressing the Barbie doll-- or Dana Doll--to fit who I wanted to be. Yikes, first of all was I really choosing my clothes based on which Dana I wanted to be? And second when was there numerous Dana's to choose from? Heaven help me if I have not grown up enough to realize that I no longer pick which Barbie--Trendy Dana, LA Dana, Leader Dana--I want to be. When we are little we use our imagination to be whatever and whoever we want to be. That is part of the fun of being a kid. The crazy thing is that a lot of times those choices really do reveal who we are deep inside and even who we want to become.


My friend Scott was reminding me it is the same with guys. His theory is that every young boy either picks Luke Skywalker or Han Solo to be when they are little--two different types of heros, but the same heroic heart. To be a hero, to be invincible, to be fearless--that's why little boys like Star Wars and Super Heros. Dolls, Star Wars Characters, Super Heros are who we want to be. We can be all the things we aren't sure if we can be and acheive on our own. We can be the perfect girl or we can be the hero of the story every time. But aren't we supposed to grow out of that? Is that being a grown up?

I just had to laugh as I realized that all my "growing up" hasn't really helped me grow up. I litterally said "I don't want to be this Dana or that Dana," just 24 short hours after I thought I was so "grown up" meeting friends for drinks. The irony of it all! Seriously, did I think putting on a piece of clothing was going to make me someone different. I am still playing "dress up." I am not proud of it, but it did make me laugh and shake my head, reminding me of who I have not yet become. I am reading this book right now that says that the signs of becoming a mature person is to love people more, to not stir up trouble, to be kind to people, to look out for other people, to be able to control yourself, be more patient with people. Some people call it emotional intelligence, some people call it relationale intelligence, but this author just simply called it maturity. Again I will say it--YIKES. I was definitely more worried about what dress I was going to wear to work than any of those things.

Ironic, Audrey and me might just be at the same spot this week...

The One With The Imperfect Girl...

Perfection is so great. Perfection is nothing going wrong. Perfection is everyone being happy. Perfection is always making enough money. Perfection is always being the weight you want to be (and not just a number on your drivers license). Perfection is never letting anyone down. Perfection is flawless planning and execution every time. Perfection is not me....

If there were a support group for Perfectionist (Hi my name is ________ and I am a perfectionist) I wouldn't go. I would like to tell you I would but I just wouldn't. Why? It's simple: the unwritten rule with being perfect is even if you think you might not be perfect you NEVER tell that to anyone. That's a no brainer. The funny thing is that I really think I am perfect. I think today I was more shocked than anyone that I had to walk into my office and sit with my two bosses and tell them I couldn't do something. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it was the last thing I wanted to do. I felt a little bit crazy the last few days as I argued with myself about this idea. "just suck it up you can do this" "no your body is screaming at you to stop" "do you know what you will now be labeled if you say you can't do it?" "but will I even be around to hear the labels given to me if keep killing my body" Back and forth back and forth, then it happened. I looked in the eyes of a young girl that aspires to do what I do for a living. And everything changed. As I looked in her eyes I not only saw her, but I saw all these young lives I am investing in. All of a sudden I realized if I "push through" this season of my life, even though I feel horrible, I have just set the bar so high and am responsibe for false advertising. I have become the con artist of the human soul. I deceive people into thinking that perfection is a real option and set people up for sure failure. And those "people" are not just people, they are hearts that I love. I don't want the little eyes that watch me, Elli, or Raya, or Judah, or Jacob, or Madeleine, or Audrey or Zane to learn from me that perfection is reality or even fun. It's not....

I realized today that being imperfect acutally has more perks than I thought. I think of the amount of times I have called one of my five best friends from college hysterically crying, and then remembered just how loved and accepted I feel by them. I think there was a stretch there that Sea Jay got a minumum of a call a day, reality was that it was two a day (one on the way to work sitting in traffic hating the city I live in, and one on the way home from work yet again sitting in traffic wondering why I live in this city) But the amount I laugh with those girls and am accepted by those girls feels exponentially higher than the fear of exposure of my imperfection.

I think of my friend Chad who has seen me cry more times at work than any other single person...from the days when I answered 100 emails a day and made spreadsheets (bad spreadsheets) to the countless times I have come and just stood next to him while I cried so I could regain composure until I could face the world again, to the ridiculous ugly cry on stage after my heart was broken by some guy that didn't like me. Yet he is one of my closest and safest friends at work and one of my biggest cheerleaders.

And my friend Mandy who met me in a very insecure moment on the way to bagels in NY, then only knew me with Migraines so never got to see me in any other way except pain and discomfort. And tonight I opened up the gift she gave me for my birthday....a 12 pack of diet coke with each one wrapped in a note of encouragement and thanks to how much I mean to her and her family. Weird, she saw and experienced my imperfection yet she has done numerous things like this to tell me how much she loves me and admires me.

Showing up at Scott and Amy's house crying one more time (week after week), yet seeing them actually excited to see me at their door with puffy red eyes and nothing to give. And hearing Scott say if you can't show up lookin' awful with red eyes to our house where can you show up that way? Wait they keep seeing me imperfect yet it is not only my safe place to escape they actually like having me around???

It seems rather counter intuitive, but that is just it. Being perfect doesn't get your friends and money and success. Being perfect or thinking your are perfect actually stops friendships, caps your success because of the fear of someone seing you aren't perfect, and allows you to miss out on making huge differences in the world.

I saw it so clearly today as my boss listened to my admission of imperfection. It opened up a whole new conversation and a much larger conversation about the way we treat people where I work. The way that we value the human heart and mind. The way that we communicate what is really important in life. I walked away realizing that this word INTEGRITY that so many companies throw around these days really is so connected to pride and humility and even courage. My need to be perfect or my disillusionment that I was perfect was stoppping a much larger moment where I got to be even more significant and influential. It just took the courage of me walking in and admitting the thing that not only I knew wasn't true, but that everyone else knew as well.

The goal isn't to be significant or influential for me, but I can tell you this: the difference I wanted to make with my life seemed to quadruple once I admitted I wasn't perfect.

Funny thing is being imperfect isn't all that bad...in fact today I realized it felt kind of good. Stressed backwards spells DESSERTS and desserts are way more fun than stress. Perfection creates stress. Desserts create a smile. And just think does the chocolate cake taste any different if it is put on your plate in a perfect piece or put on your plate in a mangled mess? NOPE it doesn't, it taste just as yummy "imperfect"

I might try living this imperfect life...seems like the stress of perfection just isn't worth it.
Chocolate cake is chocolate cake. No matter what the shape of the piece looks like I still love it...who knew desserts could teach me so much about life?

Talk to you later....

The One With Chocolate and Chriopractors

The title of my blogs are purely dedicated to one of my best friend, Kerri. We love the TV Show Friends and love how each episode is titled with such funny humor. I have decided that I will do the same for my entries. My friends have always said my life unfolds like a book and Stacie, my roommate, from college always says, "when you write your book..." or "when you are a famous speaker..." Which has always inspired me, but who knows if I will ever do either of those things. But this I do know--my life is full of hilarious stories that seem unbelievable sometimes. But since they happen to me I know they are true. I live in Los Angeles and wish for the sake of some of the funny things I have encountered I would have started writing my stories down sooner, but today is the day I start. Plus, I am leaving for New Zealand in 3 months and I want to be able to record my journey while I am there.

But I realized last week that my journey to NZ not only started, but has much less to do with getting to NZ, and much more to do with something unseen that I won't know until I start experience and realizing the journey is happening right now. I am not sure what this next season of life holds, but why not experience it with me?

Chocolate and Chriopractors...what? Well my week last week started with a day full of tears at the stress in my job. There was no way to get all that I needed done, nor did I like any of the solutions to navigate the week. So I cried at my supervisor's desk for an hour, unable to stop. As the day finally ended and there was no good answer and the stress was mounting, literally up my neck into my head producing an incredible migraine, I made the best decision I could: I went to hang out with my favorite family in LA. My little friends Zane (6) and Audrey (3) teach me so much and their home has become a refuge of escape for me. Zane teaches me to not take myself so seriously, and to enjoy being excited about anything purely for the thrill of being excited. Audrey reminds me to play and use my imagination and to not be afraid to mix princesses with structure.

That particular night I ended up at their door with tears in my eyes from a long day. I sat and played princesses with Audrey while Zane played Bionicals and Scott and Amy just talked to me. A few minutes into my lamenting about my day and being unable to stop crying, Zane says to me, "wanna know what I do when I can't stop crying?" I respond, "sure buddy, what do you do?" He proceedes to look at me very seriously and says, "I just slap myself in the face, it works every time!"

The simplicity of a child. I started to laugh so hard and was so quickly reminded to not take myself so seriously. My little friend really wanted to help me with great advice, so he could help me stop crying and that he did. That night around 10, after the kids were in bed, and I had cried quite a bit more about the state of my place of work and my heart to see it become better Amy looks at me and says let's go get Chocolate cake. This in itself is an ordeal becuase chocolate and sweets give me Migraines, and I didn't really need any help this week getting one of those...but my wonderful friend found a bakery in LA that makes everything without sugar! And let me tell you it was the BEST chocolate cake I have ever had.

Playing princesses helped, 6 year old advice helped, safe refuge of a house in LA helped, and chocolate cake definitely helped, but things still were painful in my body and the STRESS was increasing. I ended up by Wednesday in the Chriopractor's office because I woke up, but my body did not. I was in such pain and knew that the stress was winning. I have never been to a Chriopractor before and didn't know what to expect. I walked in the door after driving 30 minutes across LA and was instantly at ease. Ever have those moments where you just know that a place is safe and good? If you haven't I hope you do one day because there is a peace that comes over you even in the midst of pain. The chiropractor is this sweet and fiesty hispanic man that sat and listened to me, watched me cry, and after Xrays and an exam looked at me and said you are stressed out beyond what your body can handle. You need to laugh, you need to enjoy life, you need to realize what is causing your stress, and begin enjoying life again.

So now my journey really begins. I need to calm down, laugh more, do things that are fun, and really enjoy the life that I have been given to live. So I can quit my job, eat "chocolate" cake, play with little kids and never work again. But that doesn't seem all that realistic, nor really what I want my life to look like.

If you want to watch this journey unfold and be apart of seeing me learn to not take my life too seriously come with me. Life is not meant to be lived in stress...if it was Stressed spelled backwards wouldn't spell DESSERTS:)

Thought to ponder: what would life be like without chocolate and stress?

Talk to you again soon...