Blurred Vision

Well I realized tonight that it has been FOREVER since I sat down and blogged. Life got a little crazy getting ready for New Zealand, Christmas, going to Redding and packing up my life into many boxes and moving them to my parents.


My incredible parents came down to LA and early Saturday morning moved all my stuff with the help of two GREAT friends, Larry & Mark, moved all my stuff in the apt into a uhaul trailer. I literally didn't move one thing---I was at Weight Watchers working all morning. It was a very surreal experience to come back to my apt alone and see none of my stuff in there. I felt like I flashed back to the last 3 1/2 years in LA. I think moving my stuff is the best thing, but it was a really weird sense of closure. Yet I have no new direction. Like looking at a 3D picture within a picture and your eyes go blurry in order to see the hidden picture. You have to be willing to let your eyes go completely blurred to see what is next. In essence, lose complete control of your eyes for a brief moment to see something better. So with blurry eyes, I got in my car and headed up North to my parents.

I really had no desire to reflect too much because I was filled with emotion and it seemed too taxing to cry forever, and seeing the way I deal with change is by crying, I knew that would be what those moments would hold. I did take a little time to reflect and feel like there are so many things in my head that don't make sense. I can't imagine not living next to some of my friends in LA and doing life with them, but I can't imagine some days moving back. I am not sure how to make any of this fit together so I don't try. I will stay in that blurry spot without blinking my eyes, and I think it might be like that for awhile.

Christmas came and went and was filled with so many old memories and new memories. I had a great time hanging out with my parents and spending a ton of time with the Aiello family. I giggled when I looked at pictures from my family and from theirs, seeing how much I look like them more than my own family:)



I headed up to Redding yesterday and reveled in the lack of traffic. I am excited to hang out with old friends, spend time with their kids and enjoy the SNOW!! Yep I said snow! Right now it is lightly snowing outside and is supposed to snow tomorrow. It is crazy to see (since Redding doesn't really get snow) and realize in less than three weeks I will be on a beach in New Zealand. I do have to say I am not too sad about that fact. The warm NZ beaches sound pretty great as I sit in my friend Sea Jay's living room FREEZING!



(this is Raya freezing because we made her stay outside so we can take this picture...SNOW FUN!)

Each morning I seem to wake up excited, but very aware that I have no idea what the next few months hold. The idea of blurred vision is very present each moment with me. Everyone has their guesses and their desires. I think I have heard at least 5 times since I have been in Redding, "when you move up here after NZ." And then I hear from Amy in LA, get a text from Cindy, or have an entire night of dreams about Audrey and wonder how can I not be there. I feel like there is a such a void without them and feel stuck in wherever I am I will face loss. In life you have to endure loss sometimes. I hate that fact and try to avoid it at all cost. But sometimes the comfortable control of my eyesight feels better. The first picture I am looking at is fine, I convince myself. I don't need to see the other picture. Will it be that great any way?

But the truth is, it usually is worth it. It becomes an absolutely incredible feeling to see and realize you adjusting your eyes and losing control of your eyesight for a moment enables you to see something far beyond what you could originally comprehend. The process is not the easiest but the element of new and adventure keeps me going. I love to have control of my life, but I love more adventure and dreaming. So for now I sit in Redding, loving spending time up here, while at the same time missing Amy and Scott and the kids, Cindy, Janice and parts of LA. Life is just going to be a little blurry, and I know that I might not see the "other" picture for months. But I have this feeling the wait will be worth it.

Makin' Tamales

I have never made Tamales before...until Saturday night! I went to Lori's house to assemble 100's of Tamales. It was so fun. And I do have to say they were good! I can't wait to do them again!

This is Amanda trying our master pieces!

Things That Makes Me Happy

Real Life Army Men

Remember what you played when you were little? When I was little I loved playing house. Well, not just house--Disaster House. To just play house and take care of my babies was not nearly exciting enough. In my head there was always some disaster and I had to take care of people. My favorites were Plane Crash and Scary Man Trying To Get Us. I would care for people, making sure everyone was okay while we waited for someone to rescue us. But if the "someone" took too long, I would get everyone together and we would get to safety, while I simultaneously made sure they were okay and no one was left behind or hurt.

Does it really surprise you, if you know me? I kind of laugh to think about it because in some ways it is what I have done over the years. They weren't really my "kids" or my "house" but I am always SO concerned that people are okay (feeling valued) and that something is actually happening or being accomplished (it is way too boring to just sit around and do nothing). Many times I have had the privilege of helping people get out of very sticky or dangerous situations. Kind of weird that I live out what I played when I was little.

This week I found out my brother was just promoted in the military branch he serves, to Major! He will be working with NATO accomplishing many things that he doesn't tell his little sister. I am so proud of him! His promotion reminded me of what I played when I was little. You see, my brother was rarely NOT playing army men when we were little. Those little green men were seriously ALL over the house. If we played Lincoln Logs, it was not for the "house" I wanted to build, it was a fort for them. If we played outside in the field (which we did often) we didn't play anything I wanted, we played war. I LOVED being with my brother when I was little and would play anything he would let me play with him, but how do you care for those little green guys?

I eventually gave up and went in the house, or played in another part of the field and played disaster house. In my head, though, my brother and I were still playing together. He just didn't know it :) He was saving people in one area of the field and I was saving them in another.

So maybe you do grow up to be what you played when you were little. My brother and I both had deep convictions to care for people and though we are VERY different (I like to say--night and day different) I am reminded this week that in our family people always came first. My parents didn't care how we cared for people, but it was not an option to care for people. I could NEVER do the military, but I am SO proud of my brother and the way he defends our country and strategically helps others.

What did you play when you were little?

AGGHH....1 Month

I leave for New Zealand in exactly one month from today!!! Yikes!

Here's what I have to look forward to...

Planned Spontaneity

I LOVE a plan. I love the structure of a plan. I love the closure of a plan. I love seeing a plan accomplished almost as much as I love to have a plan.

As I drove around LA today I thought about my love for plans and realized that I live in a city that THRIVES in the creative "last minute" with no plan. AGHHH! Now, that isn't bad, but it is VERY different than me. I find so much freedom and excitement in having a plan. Once the plan is there that plan can be changed. But I need to start with a plan. It's not that I don't like spontaneity. I just like to plan to have no plans: Spontaneity. I am actually very excited to go into the UNKNOWN of New Zealand. I know that I don't know what is going to happen there, but that is the plan...no idea of all that could happen. For me, I THRIVE in the midst of a plan. The plan doesn't have to be rigid, it just is nice that it is there. It can change, end, adjust, or blow up, but at least there was a plan to start. I kind of get giddy to think of my plans. It makes me smile to think of the plan and look forward to something.

My friends Scott and Amy tease me that every time I with them I make a plan: A plan to be Spontaneous with the Reynolds. It's true, I am not going to lie. But I LOVE that. I love that my plan is to just go and whatever happens happens. It makes me smile. Last night I "stopped by" to get my boots I left there. That was at 5:30...I hung out with the kids until 7:30....I fell asleep on their couch at 8:30....I woke up and left at 11. A typical night at the Reynolds. And I LOVED it. I rarely know what is going to happen, but I know that I will feel at home with them and have a great time. I couldn't have planned to go over, watch a movie with the kids in their room, talk about the latest drama in my life, eat yummy hot popcorn Scot makes me, and fall asleep for three house on their couch. But I couldn't have "planned" a more perfect night. It was exactly what I needed.

This is a glimpse of the next few months of my life. I have the plan of going to New Zealand and coming back. That is where my plans start and stop. I have no idea what New Zealand will hold, and I have no idea what will come after that, but I do know that it will be exactly what I needed, and something so GREAT that I never could have planned it on my own.

I know the guy who wrote Dexter this week!

Well Scott wrote an AMAZING show that aired this Sunday night on Showtime! Dexter is now legitimately one of my favorite shows. I have to admit I started watching it in support of my friend Scott, but Dexter won my heart over. Sunday night we had the treat to watch the episode that Scott wrote. It was so fun to see the opening credits with "Written by Scott Reynolds."

We started off the night with Dinner...and not just any dinner. It had to be food inspired by the show.

The Harlow's brought "Thursday Night Pizza"-- wrapped in saran wrap--Dexter's favorite


And Special Agent Lundy's perfect Sandwich at exactly 1pm



The Hooker Hands I made (don't ask if you don't watch the show...)



And Blood Spattered Chocolate Dipped Pretzels (and Audrey)



Chelsea and Me waiting for it to begin...



Kristin, Alison, Rebecca, and Amy waiting anxiously for the show to start



Two of my most favorite people--Cindy and Amy



Scott and Jimmy...being Scott and Jimmy:)



Can't wait for it to begin...



So excited to watch Scott's episode!!



It was an excellent show! And even though my name got cut out (a dead hooker had the name Dana Evans...hehehehehe, but my name didn't make it in, but I feel pretty cool that Scott wrote it in even if it didn't make it on the show)
It is so fun to support Scott and so easy to be proud to of what a great writer he is. If you haven't ever seen Dexter you are missing out!

If I had a show on the Food Network...

I LOVE the Food Network! Right now I am watching a whole show on Ginger Bread. Did you know that Queen Elizabeth I invented the first Gingerbread Man? She did...

Which reminded me of the fun that Audrey, Zane and I had making our own Ginger Bread House...





I secretly pretended I was on the Food Network--my show is called "Fun Food"






And I would only have fun people on it like Audrey and Zane!

Closing Up The Boxes

I HATE packing! There is nothing worse than looking at your life and figuring out how to put it into dozens of brown boxes marked with a sharpie to signify your life's memories up until this point. Today my good friend Nichole came over and helped me pack my entire kitchen. I have to say, though, there is something internal that happens for me while I pack: a reminder of the past, a closure of the present and a hope for the future.

As I think of packing up my life in LA as I know it right now, I have gone through a million emotions. Just like packing up my stuff, I seem to have a process of packing up my emotions, memories, and reflections of the time I spent so far in LA. I can't seem to just pack a box and not think about what those things represent before I close up that box. I spent a lot of time thinking about my move to LA 3 and 1/2 years ago. I was surprised at what was exposed in that time of reflection: rebellion and stubbornness.

Who would have thought? Well, for one, my mom. When I told my parents that I was moving to LA, she asked me if I was running away from a couple of hard situations. With the brattiness of a 14 year old girl I said, ABSOLUTELY NOT! I was heading to LA to start a new life, begin my masters, and have a new adventure. While all those things were the result, I am afraid that my move here was much more about what I thought was a good plan and not what was necessarily a good plan.

Bottom line: I freaked out. My boyfriend had moved to Redding on a Wednesday, broke up with me on Thursday (I didn't realize it until my good friend Danielle told me she thought that is just what happened), I clarified the break up on Friday, he left on Saturday and I never heard from him again. My former supervisor who I LOVED left my job, one of my best friends, Danielle, who I worked with, wasn't returning to work so she could have her first baby, and all of my best friends were married with kids in Redding, and there was NO way I was going to end up stuck in Redding single forever. So I left. I came up with a good plan and ran. This started a very long 3 and 1/2 years.

I have personal relationship with God through the person of Jesus Christ. And as I have studied and read about who He is and how much He loves me, I don't think I really understood what unconditional love is until this week. You see, what I understand from the Scriptures is that God will never leave or forsake us. He even promises to guide those who choose to be in a personal relationship with Him. It is like having the perfect counselor with you at all times. And the price that we pay these days for counselors, it is nice to know that God offers one to everyone at no cost to us.

Since I moved to LA I feel like I have been walking in mud. It has not been easy since the moment I moved here from relationships, to jobs, to my emotions, and my health. I blame LA for so much of the hard part of my last 3 years. But this week I saw that it wasn't LA it was me. I have the opportunity to go to New Zealand for three months. I am not at all nervous that Grant and Deby, who invited me, are going to take care of me the whole time I am there. Yet, I claim to love and trust God and I don't believe that He is going to take care of me. How can I claim to trust and love Him, when I really don't? And how can I even invite others to experience God when I am not experiencing Him?

As I reflected on that this weekend, I had this inner peace all of a sudden, followed by a flood of memories from 3 and 1/2 years ago while I was getting ready to come to LA. I was bombarded with the memory of my fear, the stubborn thoughts of I can plan a better life, the attitude that I will take care of myself, and the defiannt posture I took while I stated that I would NOT be trapped single in Redding. How did that work out for me? Well, ironically, I grew incredibly, I worked at this great place, I influenced people for good, I made great friends, I became a nicer person, I conquered LA...but on the inside I was miserable. I am not sure that I had a week that I didn't cry while I lived in LA. I felt abandoned, alone, stressed, unhappy, confused, unfulfilled, and depressed.

What happened? I won't ever claim to be an expert, but I can tell you this: I experienced God in a personal way this week and was reminded that I can talk to the God of the universe, I can be guided by Him, I can trust that He loves me and has good plans for me, and I can ask Him to guide me, I can ask Him for help and believe He will take care of me. Just like I can trust Grant and Deby to take care of me in NZ, and have no need to know the exact plans while I am there, how much more can I trust the creator of this world and of me. Strangely, this comes through submitting to authority--the authority of this God. We seem to HATE authority and being told what to do in our world today. I live in a city that says that I can create my life and no one can tell me I can't. As I look back at my last few years I am overwhelmed with sadness at how much I missed. My stubbornness kept me from experiencing not the good things God had for me, but a relationship of depth with God. I did get good things along the way. I have great friends, like Scott and Amy and the kids. I have had the chance to do fun LA/Hollywood things. I have had the entertainment industry at my fingers tip. None of that solved the unsettled frustration inside me. It is much like when you get to spend the day doing your favorite activity but are with someone that you don't like. It doesn't matter how great the activity is, the company makes a difference. In this case my "company" was ME. I didn't like being with myself.

I have a warped view of God sometimes. Sometimes I don't believe that I can really trust him to love me with nothing in return. Everything cost something, right? No one is just nice to you without a hidden motive, right? But He does. He loves me and says follow me into your future it is great. He doesn't force me, but He is a knows the future and knows what is ahead. The truth about life is that those who know they are loved are typically more loving and secure people. God wants us to know that love. He doesn't need a marketer to convince people he is real. I don't think He really cares who knows He is real, He cares if you know you are loved. And once you are loved you can't help but love other people and share the love with other people. It really is just an automatic reaction.

More than just great plans He has for me, He has offered me constant companionship. I saw how gracious God was to me by not letting my plans work, by not allowing my longings to be fulfilled, by not giving me everything I wanted....all of these things did something counter intuitive. It actually helped me know God more. I didn't realize it when it was happening, but it was the result. This week when I admitted why I really moved to LA, I had this extreme instant feeling of peace. It was as if I relaxed for the first time in over three years. I didn't have any walls us trying to protect myself or my world I was creating.

The even more counter intuitive part: I felt connected to God like I hadn't for years. I saw that His promise of being present at all times and not leave me to be true. And that co-existed with the feelings of trudgery that I felt as I lived in LA. I asked God why and how those things can be simultaneous? I thought of my parents. They loved me so tangible and deeply over the last three years. They just seem to know this wasn't the best option for me yet they never said that. They consistently supplied me with money, a listening ear, encouragement, words of hope and support, a place to crash when I could take it no longer and over and over they said we want to see you succeed. They got nothing in return, they didn't think this was the best idea, they lost money on the whole situation....yet they loved me, were with me in this process, and reminded me that you can be present with someone wether you agree or disagree. Their love and support was not dependent on what I did or didn't do. They freely gave. Hmmm, this was what God had been allowing me to learn. I saw glimpses of it over the last few years, but never so clearly as this week. He loves me, he wants nothing in return, and he genuinely wants me to walk in what he has for me because he knows the future. It isn't about me figuring out what I want, it is about me learning to trust his goodness. I can have all I want but it didn't make the angst in my soul disappear, it just seem to expose it more.

I guess I realized so much this week. Just because I can do whatever I want, doesn't mean that is the best for my heart or soul. God knows no time, so He is in the future. I have committed to follow God and submit to His authority, not because he has coaxed me into it, not because I can have whatever I want, not because I have to earn love, but because He loves me and wants what is best for me. I don't fully get it, but I do get this. The last 5 days were a night and day difference from the first 3 & 1/2 years. The angst in my soul was gone, the pressure to make my life happen subsided, the stress in my body ceased, and intimacy with God was restored.

This week I admitted that I thought my way would work and His would not and was met with a feeling of love and goodness and peace. There are a lot of ways it seems to God, but I don't think that is what this loving God teaches. There are not rules to being in a personal relationship to God. He is in the future so I can choose to get to know Him, choose to trust Him by learning about Him and obeying, and not buy into what the illusion that I can figure out my own life. There are just too many factors I don't know and can't control. But I did get to know God and I do know I can trust him. It has been years and years of getting to know each other, but in the midst of that I realized that my response can only be to trust him. I tried figuring out life on my own and it didn't work out for me. I would rather be trapped in a cabin in the woods all by myself for the rest of my life (which those of you that know me realize that is pure torture for me!) then live with the angst of attempting to do life by myself. Following God is so much more fulfilling and exhilarating. Don't get me wrong it is not easy. Sometimes his guidance leads me to face fears, or be nice to people that have hurt me, or try things that are risky, but the difference between doing something with someone trustworthy and not doing it all by myself is no contest for me.

I had to look back over some things before I packed this season of my life away. I LOVE closure and seem to have a deep need for it. I can't leave a conversation without saying good bye, I can't get disconnected on a phone call that was about to end anyway, without calling back to say goodbye, I can't leave things undone...before I closed this box I had to see what I was really putting in there. Like with packing, I don't want to get to my new place and open and unpack a box and realize that I brought something that I didn't want and don't need with me. When I close up a box with tape I want to be sure that what is in it I need in the next place and I am not wasting energy by dragging something unneeded or hindering for my next place. That seems to be what this last month in LA has been all about...going through my past, cleaning up the present, and closing up the box to get ready for my future.

LA Times Caught her Striking...

See that cute little blond in Strike Red? (you have to wear red when you are striking) Yep that's Audrey...The LA Times caught her striking last week. She is doing her part so those writers get paid!

Thankful...

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday...second only to Cino de Mayo, but you would have to know just how much I love Mexican food to know that I love that holiday!

Things I am thankful for this year:
Strength of my friends:
*Sea Jay who lets me talk about every emotion every time I feel it and really is stability for me when I can't seem to find my place or my footing (in short she is my "wind beneath my wings" hehehe) I am not sure what life would be like without her...well I would be paying a lot in Counseling bills that's for sure! She really is my Naomi:)
*Amy G who is the closest thing to a sister that I have ever had. She knows how to be logical and be fired up when I need her to be...and knows just when to do each.
*Amy and Scott who gives me a place to be (and be there a lot I am:) Beyond that they are the safe place to laugh, cry, get very angry, and just do nothing, and are the family I need in LA....plus I get to watch Dexter at their house...need I say more?
*Ker who is the most gracious empathetic friend I have. She knows just when to listen and is always the voice on the other side of the phone reminding me that she is in "this" with me...whatever the current "this" is in my life:)
*Stac who still is the best college roommate ever and who lets me leave crazy messages on her work phone, who shares her journey with me and lets me cry no matter what the issue is and lets say "he" is DUMB (censored version) every time!
*Danielle who is always there to remind me I am not crazy and that there is a logical solution. She listens to my emotion and just when I think I am crazy she validates why I can't stop crying...

Kids that make me smile: Audrey, Zane, Judah, Zoe, Micah, Jacob, Elli, Raya, Lake, Madeleine, and Claira and our new little Ethiopian baby on the way...

Friends that made LA bearable: MONI, CINDY, KIMBERLY, HOLLY(even though she wasn't here the talks we had were always perfectly timed!), NICHOLE, VICTORIA, SHAE

Work Friends that were so much more than just 'work friends': Sueann, Dana, Mark, Chad, Adrian, Goody, Amy, Jimmy, Joby, Sam, and Mandy

Coffee at 8AM Monday Mornings

Serving at Mosaic and being allowed to serve in an area that influenced people

My Staff Development Team

Being led by Janice--need I say more to the Velvet Sword?

Stability of my family

Change (I know can you believe I am putting that?)

Exciting new adventure

New Zealand

The fact that there are less people in NZ than in LA and it is the size of CA

The lack of traffic where I am going

Friends I get to hang out with in NZ: Grant, Deby and Glen.

The chance to grow and trust in a new season of life!

Blind Date #434

So I did it one more time....went out on a blind date. I have to say this wasn't a bad date. It was just a date. We met for coffee in downtown LA. I had a tea, he had a hot chocolate and we talked about our life.

If you have never been on a blind date, you definitely missed out on one season of life. It is the oddest feeling that overtakes you. You sit down, talk about yourself, ask questions about someone you don't know, and you hope that it is either amazing or so bad that the stories are funny. You wonder why somone else thinks you are so great that they set you up, but have no idea if the person you are with got the memo you were cool and fun to be with.

I have to admit for 6 or 7 years I have tried to convince myself that blind dates aren't that bad. They are! I always thought: it is a new person to know and usually a free coffee or lunch. But I just don't think it's worth it...I don't like coffee and I am so weird about the food I eat. So why have I gone on so many blind dates?

Who knows? But I think I am done.

I will leave you with my favorite quote from this date:

After checking his cell phone clock two times in the 40 minutes we were sitting there...
Him: (takes out his cell phone one more time and this time does not look at the cell phone face but opens up the flip phone)
"It's 4:34, I don't know what time you need to get going..."

Me: (pretending like I was astounded that he was that bored with me...)
"Oh not for a few more minutes." (while I silently giggled to myself thinking, if I have to endure this you can hang out a few more minutes)

C'mon you don't know what you would have said either....

Fall Baking with the Reyonlds

What would the fall be like without a Fall Baking night? HORRIBLE!!! Audrey, Zane and I were not about to let that happen....


















We started our night off with Chocolate cupcakes...made with Diet Coke! They are so easy to make and my cupcakes never turned out better, PROMISE! Really, I promise! Audrey thought about licking the spoon because they were so yummy



She decided to do it!



Then Me and Zane decided to make some creepy calling things....Lizards!!




We all then moved onto Scarecrow Cupcakes--this is Audrey's favorite one she made:


Here is Zane's



I think my favorite part of the night was watching the difference between Aurdrey and Zane. Audrey HAD to make her's exactly like the picture EVERY time...no varrying from the plan! Zane never once made one like the picture, nor did he make two the same. He just kept shaking his head saying why does she to do it just like the picture? I smiled and said, "Well Zane, she did make the eyes different colors each time. You see buddy, people like me and Audrey have a hard time deviating from the plan and perfection." Check out the difference of theirs below...



All in all we had a FABULOUS night. I don't want to brag, but Zane did say it was the best night ever, better than Dave and Busters.....that is a big deal in a 6 year old boy's language! Though, if you notice Audrey was a little bugged at me by this time for taking so many pictures...you can't win them all:)

Do you need a good LAUGH?

I said I needed to laugh this week and this sure helped! I saw this video a couple of years ago and was so excited when I found it yesterday...ENJOY!



Saw this one too...thought you might at least chuckle....



This little kids makes me laugh--what can I say?



Hope they made you laugh!!

Waiting for Sunshine

Man did I need to laugh this week. I felt the winds of change again this week. Really what I felt was my lack of control of those changes. I was so sad as I processed through some relationship changes. Part of friendship is accepting where people are and the choices they make. Sometimes life just doesn't go the way you hope. Life surprises all of us and what seems so black and white becomes shades of gray.

I can always seem to make something good out of bad and this week that ability seemed void. My own opinions and emotions and forsight about decisions that were being made around me seemed overwhelming. Then in the midst of mopping my floor I was reminded that I am not in control. I know, I know how do I always forget that?

The week was so unexpected that I had not really asked God to be apart of the discussions. I did that morning and the result was a heart to heart while mopping. I have learned in my friendship with God how to hear His voice. Much in the same way you learn to recoginze a friend's voice on the phone. I have got to know Him through expereincing Him as I read about Him, believe that He is alive and interested in my life, and taking Him at His word that He speaks. He spoke to people in the Bible and says He is the same today, yesterday and forever, so I take that at face value. I don't always hear Him correct or I interpret it to make myself feel better. But like with any friendship that I am committed to, I stay in it. For me to hear His voice is a thought that is accompanied with great peace....don't get me wrong I don't like everything I hear. It isn't just a voice that makes me feel better. Often it is like this week, a voice that reminds me that I can not and will never be able to control other people. I must accept the choices of those around me. The real question is not how or why someone chooses something but what will my response be. That sucks quite frankly! It is much easier to find the fault in the other and move on.

The choice seemed to be mine in the end. Even though I didn't like what was happing what was I going to do now? Well, go to the movies seemed like a great avoidance tactic...I chose that. I went to a screening of the movie Kite Runner, that is due to come out in a few weeks. Here is the trailer:



The movie did NOT make me laugh, but it was a story of HOPE. I HIGHLY recommend the movie (but not to children under 13). A part of these young boys' stories is not only flying kites, but my friend Cindy and I were mesmerized by their ability to control the travel of their kite by simply moving their finger along the string. The boys could control their kites, but the reality was they could not control the relationships in their life nor could they control the affects of the choices made by others. I won't give away the story but I will tell you that never giving up on those you love no matter what choice they make was powerful.

My friend Amy's olderst girl, Madeleine learned to sleep in her big girl bed this week.



She was told by Amy to stay in her bed until she could see the sun through her window. A day or two later the morning wore on and Amy saw and heard no signs of Madeleine. As she peeked her head in she saw her beautiful little curly haired girl sitting on her bed focused and looking out her window. Amy asked, "Madeleine, what are you doing?"

Her sweet reply: "Waiting for the sun, mommy."

Amy smiled at her amazing 2 year old and began to teach Madeleine the difference between sun and light (and praise her for obeying!) You see, it was a rainy, cloudy, and overcast day in Redding. The morning had come. It had just come with a darkness about it. Her day just didn't begin the way she thought it would....with sunshine waking her up telling her it was alright to get out of bed. Instead, it was her mom that loves her beyond words that taught her something that day. It was a two year old lesson that I seemed to keep with me all week.

Even when your day doesn't start with SUN, it doesn't mean you can't keep going. I wish all my days and all my relatioships were filled with SUN, but the truth is we would miss out on cozy rainy days, where you curl up all day watching movies and drinking cocoa. We would miss out on splashing in puddles. We would miss out on wearing sweaters, and gloves, and hats and scarves, and jackets (which might only be something I miss, seeing that it was 85 in LA again today. Fun winter apparel is not in my near future). And we would miss out on that incredible moment when you see the sun after so many dark days of clouds and rain.

A few days after that morning with Madeleine she came tearing out of her room screaming, "it's sunny, it's sunshine, it's sunny Mommy!" There is something about the sun after a season of dark. Holding on and waiting for the SUN to shine again in friendships is important. You can't control frienships like you can control kites, but you can sit on your bed waiting for the Sunshine again.

My Orange Cone Parallel Universe

So my day started off being trapped in LA! I was leaving for the day, and I wasn't running late, but I wasn't really on time either. I got in my car innocently heading towards the 134. I was humming to the music playing in my car excited about the day ahead of me. I happened to check my phone and my friend Cindy had text me to bring her a coffee. I thought, okay I will be just a little bit late if I stop and get her a coffee, but she really needs one, so, Starbucks here I come. I mindlessly begin to turn right on to the freeway on ramp and promptly am stopped by a zillion orange cones...the entrance is blocked off. Frustarting but part of living in the city.

I regroup and take the challenge head on at getting to the next freeway entrance going east. I take all these back roads, loop around, navigating through this neighborhood. I proudly emerge from this neiborhood right at the next on ramp....ORANGE CONES! AGHHH at this point I have been atempting to enter the 134 for 15 minutes. I look at my clock and realize it is now 8:55 and am due to arrive at 9:00. Is it a movie shoot, a real shooting...who knows in LA? I just know I am annoyed and still have to figure out how to get to Pasadena. So I ventrue out again with new resolve to figure out how to get out and into Pasadena. I tried 3 more exits only to be stopped again by more orange cones! I head way out North thinking I can make my way through side streets into Pasadena...I end up in the Hills with all these beautiful houses, but no idea how to get out.

Finally after 30 minutes I landed on the 134 going East...not exactly sure how I did it but I saw the ramp and saw NO orange cones. Don't know what the cones were for, but it was smooth sailing for me. I could get back to my great day now.

I stop by Starbucks to pick up Cindy's Venti Latte and saw the line, but would not let it get me down. The line moved fast, but unfortunately the Barista's didn't. Did they have orange cones on all the machines they were trying to use??? I sat in Starbucks wondering how on earth a Latte could take 20 minutes. I finally roled in at 9:35 (where I was supposed to be at 9) and had to laugh as I re-told the story.

Back to my great day....no more orange cones, I hope. I head to lunch with a great friend. We try to catch up on Sunday's, spending hours at Soup Plantation. We usually laugh, eat, talk, cry, laugh some more and then eat just one more piece of yummy bread or dessert. As we sat for hours I just couldn't help but dreamily think of how much I enjoy friendship. There is something so sweet about friends, and friends who have walked through so much and have so much history. With much sappiness I walked back from the bathroom and told her how much I loved spending all afternoon just hanging out and talking. Right then she said, I have actually been meaning to talk to you about something....Orange Cones.....that's never a good sign. We had a very weird and awkward talk about some mutual friendships and left not mad or even bad it just was really weird.

I felt a little startled internally and couldn't seem to put words to what I felt. I was due at a friends house for a Bahai celebration that he invited me to. A little dazed still I head up to the Hills above LA. I spent the evening experiencing a new culture in this beautiful home that had a wall of windows that overlooked LA. One of the most incredible views I had ever seen. My friends were incredibly hospitable and it was interesting to hear the things they believe and stake their life on. As I sat and listened to prayers and hearts that night I was so reflective. Bahai believe that their is a lot of roads to God and that their is a revelation that is ever unfolding. They shared that they are one of the most persectured faiths in Iran (their home country) and with much sadness they told me some stories of their families, friends, and homeland. As I sat their pondering my relationship with God through the person of Jesus Christ, I had another Orange Cone moment. What a day I had already had, and sitting here with friends that believe something so different than me, yet so the same I was a bit overwhelmed.

Following Jesus Christ doesn't mean that everything works out. You get hurt, you feel betrayed, you feel frustrated, you have great days, you have suprises that excite you and other ones that side swipe you. I often approach my personal relationship with God like I did this day. I head into the day (or circumstance) so excited at the prospect of all that is ahead. I see all the potential good things that are there and can't wait to just begin the day. Then I hit the proverbial Oragne Cone in my day or circumstance. I try and try and try to get back on the Happy Freeway and when I can't get there I get so disappointed and frustrated.

I so badly wish that a relationship with the God of the universe meant happiness, but it doesn't always mean that. But it does mean, just that, a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. God loves us and actually just likes hanging out in the car with us when we are madly attempting to find the freeway again. He knows where it is or what we truly need, but He loves us and really wants to just be in relationship with us and love us. It is a hard concept to grasp for me. This invisible God really loves me and cares about me.

I headed to my friends house to watch Dexter after that long day. I cried a little with a friend on the phone over the day and the news I got. I think I was mostly crying that I wasn't perfect and that I was being hurt over something a friend did that they never intended to hurt me with...yet still my eyes were a little red and teary as I walked in the door. I headed back to the kids room to say good night and saw this bright smile greeting me at the door. Audrey was wide awake ready to play ponies, dollies and do my hair. She giggled with me and played ponies while me and Amy talked. We reminded eachother about hope and just staying in the midst of where we are believing that God is with us and has something He created us to do.

I finished the evening watching Dexter, where I root for the seriel killer! If you watched the show you would too...who knew? What a weird day. I thought it was going to go one way and it went a different way. I kind of felt like I was in both worlds: the world I hoped it would be that day and the world it really was. I am not sure which one I liked better. Sometimes it just is what it is.

Though I was sad, happy, confused, hurt, a little disoriented, and unsure of what was happening I liked the fact that I sensed God with me. I don't always understand him, and today I didn't at many times. He was with me though and some how the more time I spend with Him...even on Orange Cone parallel universe days, I find myself a little more loving, a little more compassionate, a little more honest about myself and the world around me. He really does love this world and I love that I catch glimpses of His heart for people and for myself. If you haven't ever checked anything out about God and Jesus I would suggest giving Him a chance. He Loves you beyond what anyone in this world can love you and He is alive. I don't get it. I wish I understood it totally but I don't. I know what I have experienced, and in your Orange Cone moments of life I hope you have someone to walk with you when no person is able to be there for you.

Re Runs Forever??!!??

I am a proud supporter of the Writers Strike!

One of my good friends, Scott, is a writer in Hollywood. He has to picket 4 hours, four days a week. Today he picketed with his little girl Audrey who chanted her little heart out today on the picket lines.

Scott has got to hang out with some cool people though...the guys from Heroes...



At the end of the day though, this strike affects him and his family and all of us. All those great shows we are so into right now...are going to be in re runs before we know it. This week so many shows shut down and the actors are picketting right along with the writers. Check out these videos that were made on the picket lines...

Grey's Anatomy even Striked

And The Office is Shut Down!


So if you don't want to watch re runs and want to see how your favorite show ends watch the videos about what's happening and then sign the petition. I did today and I feel so proud to be supporting my friends!

www.petitiononline.com/WGA/petition.html

New Friends, New Moments, New Adventures...NEW ZEALAND

So much NEW in my life. I have such a need for new and different, yet I struggle my way through change and transition. This weekend I packed up a lot of my apartment to store at my parents while I am in New Zealand. Then I had the chance to hang out with Deby and Grant, the couple that is not only bringing me out to NZ, but who are also becoming good friends.



Yikes it is real! I was on my way to see Deby and Grant Sunday morning and realized I was really really nervous. I am not afraid of the trip to NZ, but I realized that morning for me I am taking some huge personal risks. It is not just a 3 month trip to NZ, it is a facing my fear. Not that NZ is the fear. In the past I have been really hurt in a similar situaion. Whether it was my persective that hurt me or it was an actual hurt done to me is sort of irrelevant. I still have a memory of pain, so though I have worked through that expereince it is interesting how my mind and heart have relational memory. Muscles have muscle memory, I think our minds and emotions have memory in the same way. When I am in a similar situation it is as if I immediately remember the hurt and want to repsond to protect myself. The only down side to that is I am not in the same situation. And I might miss out on new relationships that are amazing and new experiences that change my life forever. "This isn't that" is what I have to remind myself. But sometimes to replace the relational memory you have to face it to realize 'this isn't that.' So why it looks as if I am just hanging out with two VERY cool people, who I laugh A LOT with, really I am jumping off a cliff.


It reminds me a lot of Bungee jumping. I was able to bungee jump off the World Record Bungee Jump in South Africa. It was SO COOL.


(not me but I jumped off this same bridge and looked just like this guy)

It was so fun and I knew I would love it, but in order to get the adrenaline rush and have the fun, I actually had to jump off the bridge into mid air. Once I did it I never regretted it, but in the leading up to it I had to work through the fear and the desire to stay in control of my life...if I am in control nothing bad happens, right? Yeah that isn't as true as I would like it to be. If I controlled the bungee jump many many bad things would happen: I don't know what I am doing so I am sure that the bungee part of the whole experience (the part where you actually don't just plumet to your death) wouldn't work, I might not have jumped, I wouldn't know how to pull myself up and would have been left dangling under the bridge forever.

Facing hard situations are much like that. I had no idea if the Bungee was going to work and I didn't know the guy that pushed me off the bridge and that brought me back up. I just had to trust and see what happens. Trust is a weird thing. To trust means that there is a level of vulnerability or you wouldn't have to trust. Sometimes in life I don't get to control things...who am I kidding, most times in life I don't control things. But the truth remains the same: just because I control life doesn't mean that I won't get hurt. Control is an illusion. Life has so many factors, from our own past to the decision of other people and circumstances that are out of everyone's control.

I am going to get hurt in life. That is a fact, but if I spend my whole life trying not to get hurt: aka 'controlling my life,' I might miss so much fun stuff. So even though I left on Sunday morning nervous by Monday night, after a few hours of spending time with them I was so energized and excited, not only to do life with these people for a few months, but because I faced a fear. For me trusting is a spiritual experience. I walk through life with Jesus Christ and trusting in an invisible God That is a trust expereince in and of itself. But because of my trust in Jesus and God I am able to believe that somone is with me as I walk through life. Being saved from hurt is impossible, but having God walk next to me is what helps me do things like Bungee Jump to New Zealand.

Surprise Party 2007

"Wii" had a Surprise party for Moni this weekend. She thought we were going to Dave and Busters but we fooled her when we did a Baseball Themed Wii Party at Rey's house!


It was incredible to see just how much fun She had...


And how suprised people were...








She had an "Ace of Cakes" cake...or an "Ace of Dana" Cake:)



A bubble blowing contest...



Rey lost


And Cotton Candy for all!

The Beethoven Soundtrack to My Life

I have a new trick for getting through LA traffic: Classical Music! While I was in Redding last month I stayed with one of my best friends, Danielle. We ran errands all afternoon--which by the way was mindblowing to this LA girl. We did 6 errands in under 2 hours! Oh how I miss those days!!!

I kind of giggled to myself that each time we got in the car she had classical music playing. I finally teased her about it out loud, asking her if this was her new love. She laughed and said yes it was because it was her way to destress after being with two children all day. And of course, anything to do with destressing intrigued me. Then I realized something...my friend Danielle is a wonderful ballet dancer and as I listened to her talk about her love for classical music in the car I guessed why she liked it so much. I asked her with a hint of laughter, "do you choreograph dances in your head as you listen?" And she smiled and said, "yes I do." We had a good laugh about that, but it didn't end there for me.

I got back to LA and thought, maybe it will work for me too. I went to iTunes and downloaded a Beethoven CD, and thought I would test this new DESTRESS theory out. Will classical music really destress me in traffic? You will be happy to know it worked. I sat on the 101 twice this last week in bumper to bumper traffic and never once got angry...that is no small miracle. And then I sat on the 5 numerous times in rush hour (not so much rushing) and didn't feel stressed or angry. YAY for Beethoven!!! And then I realized I might not choreograph dances in my head to the music but I do something else: make up the soundtrack to my life!

Yep, I not only see my life as a book, I now have upgraded to seeing my life as a movie. I litterally caught myself mid thought and laughed out loud. As I listened to Beethoven this week, I smiled thinking, this would be great as background music to my experience of working on this particular project while living in LA. And this song would be great in the scene of me having an intense talk with a co-worker.

I guess Hollywood got to me...I think I am the star of my own show. Oh, living in LA is funny thing. The influences go so far beyond what I think. But at the end of the day I am so thankful for my LA life. And that statement is no small miralce either! LA has been a whirlwind of emotion for me. Some days I LOVE it and other days I long to not be in my car strategizing on how to run 2 errands---6 in one day is a pipe dream in LA!

For now this is all I know, Classical Music makes me calm, therefore it is on constantly in my car here in LA. Who knew Beethoven would be affecting me in LA years after he created his masterpieces? Do you think he would care that it's greates effect on me is that helps me get through traffic? Who knows....all I know is I am glad he created his music! And I bet the other LA drivers are glad I listen to it as well:)

Dream Collision: Philanthropist and Parenting

One of my secret dreams has always been to make lots of money to give lots of money away. But as a kid I always remember my Mom saying, "if you can't manage $10 you will never be able to manage 10,000 or 10,000,000. And if you can't give away 10 cents of your dollar you will never give way thousands of your milions" I always took that to heart. It's funny what you remember when you are little.

The last month I was turned on to this new website. www.kiva.org It is incredible! You can loan as little as $25 to a person trying to start a small buisness in a developing country. Here is how it works:


And the payback rate is 98% I believe. Pretty cool!

I don't make much money. And, in fact, I have been kind of stressed out about how little I make as I think about my future. (Do you see why I named my blog what I did?) I live in a city that constantly, non-verbally tells me I have to make money and I have to do it fast. LA is full of people trying to make money, making money, and dreaming about making money. Yet I have plenty of food in my fridge, I have more clothes than I can wear, and I have a lot of extras. The KIVA process reminds me that I can be a Philanthropist no matter how much money I make it. My mom was right. (aren't they always?) If I won't do it making the little I make now, I will never do it if I make milions.

One of my dreams is to raise a family, too. Tonight that just isn't a reality...well because I don't have one:) But tonight those dreams can collide. I can help a mom with four kids trying to build a life start a business to support her family. So instead of sitting in traffic stressed out about my finances I can actually move towards making my dreams a reality. Tonight I sat on my couch and made a new business friend:



I guess in the end my mom was SO right. And now because she invested that wisdom in me I get to see two of the dreams of my life collide. My gut tells me this is only the beginning...

Chapter 5: Hollywood, Pumpkins and Chocolate

Often I think of my life in terms of a book. Who am I kidding? I always picture the events of my life in chapter form as they read the book of my life. This week was no different. So this week enter into my book with me.

I started off my week helping my friend Samanatha on a movie set in Hollywood. I have never got to be on set before so it was not only fun because I had never done anything like that, but because I got to hang out with some good friends.



I watched a guy smash through a window, saw the behinds the scenes of movie making, saw a man jump from a 5 story building in Hollywood, and saw how much standing around happens in the movie making buisness. My friend Scott, who writes on the Showtime show Dexter, wrote the movie script and then I watched that script come to life. When it is finished I will make sure that I post a blog about it with a link for you to see it. He is a great writer and one day when he is a famous film maker I will say I am friends with him and his family....which leads me to the pumpkin part of my week.

Amy and Scott and their family are really more like family than friends for me. So I know right where to go when it is time for family stuff: soccer games, playing princesses, stopping by at dinner time:), watching the kids, crying over the drama of my week, laughing over TV shows, and of course carving pumpkins!






Then Amy and I just sat eating newly baked pumpkin seeds, watching Survivor and 30 Rock, smelling her yummy candle from the M Store in Redding wishing we had chocolate to eat because it smelled so good.

The chocolate part of my week...well, that is all I have wanted to eat this week and really all that I have ate this week. As I walked home from the store today I thought, no wonder I named my blog what I did. To not have desserts, which I have kind of fought with my whole life, creates yet another place for stress to enter and reside. Why fight it? I constantly try to "not" do things because I have a bad need to be perfect. Again, the journey to New Zealand has so much more to do with the process going and realizing this stuff along the way than actually going to NZ. I hope you are entertained along the way and even relate to some of my moments as well.

Until Later....