My incredible parents came down to LA and early Saturday morning moved all my stuff with the help of two GREAT friends, Larry & Mark, moved all my stuff in the apt into a uhaul trailer. I literally didn't move one thing---I was at Weight Watchers working all morning. It was a very surreal experience to come back to my apt alone and see none of my stuff in there. I felt like I flashed back to the last 3 1/2 years in LA. I think moving my stuff is the best thing, but it was a really weird sense of closure. Yet I have no new direction. Like looking at a 3D picture within a picture and your eyes go blurry in order to see the hidden picture. You have to be willing to let your eyes go completely blurred to see what is next. In essence, lose complete control of your eyes for a brief moment to see something better. So with blurry eyes, I got in my car and headed up North to my parents.
I really had no desire to reflect too much because I was filled with emotion and it seemed too taxing to cry forever, and seeing the way I deal with change is by crying, I knew that would be what those moments would hold. I did take a little time to reflect and feel like there are so many things in my head that don't make sense. I can't imagine not living next to some of my friends in LA and doing life with them, but I can't imagine some days moving back. I am not sure how to make any of this fit together so I don't try. I will stay in that blurry spot without blinking my eyes, and I think it might be like that for awhile.
Christmas came and went and was filled with so many old memories and new memories. I had a great time hanging out with my parents and spending a ton of time with the Aiello family. I giggled when I looked at pictures from my family and from theirs, seeing how much I look like them more than my own family:)
I headed up to Redding yesterday and reveled in the lack of traffic. I am excited to hang out with old friends, spend time with their kids and enjoy the SNOW!! Yep I said snow! Right now it is lightly snowing outside and is supposed to snow tomorrow. It is crazy to see (since Redding doesn't really get snow) and realize in less than three weeks I will be on a beach in New Zealand. I do have to say I am not too sad about that fact. The warm NZ beaches sound pretty great as I sit in my friend Sea Jay's living room FREEZING!
(this is Raya freezing because we made her stay outside so we can take this picture...SNOW FUN!)
Each morning I seem to wake up excited, but very aware that I have no idea what the next few months hold. The idea of blurred vision is very present each moment with me. Everyone has their guesses and their desires. I think I have heard at least 5 times since I have been in Redding, "when you move up here after NZ." And then I hear from Amy in LA, get a text from Cindy, or have an entire night of dreams about Audrey and wonder how can I not be there. I feel like there is a such a void without them and feel stuck in wherever I am I will face loss. In life you have to endure loss sometimes. I hate that fact and try to avoid it at all cost. But sometimes the comfortable control of my eyesight feels better. The first picture I am looking at is fine, I convince myself. I don't need to see the other picture. Will it be that great any way?
But the truth is, it usually is worth it. It becomes an absolutely incredible feeling to see and realize you adjusting your eyes and losing control of your eyesight for a moment enables you to see something far beyond what you could originally comprehend. The process is not the easiest but the element of new and adventure keeps me going. I love to have control of my life, but I love more adventure and dreaming. So for now I sit in Redding, loving spending time up here, while at the same time missing Amy and Scott and the kids, Cindy, Janice and parts of LA. Life is just going to be a little blurry, and I know that I might not see the "other" picture for months. But I have this feeling the wait will be worth it.
2 comments:
ugh. an unknown future can be so scary and exciting. i'm looking forward to reading about your growth and experiences.
We know that when that blurry vision clears the view will be BEAUTIFUL like your heart, WARM like those New Zealand beaches, sometimes HECTIC like those LA freeways and full of LOVE like you deserve!
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