Yikes it is real! I was on my way to see Deby and Grant Sunday morning and realized I was really really nervous. I am not afraid of the trip to NZ, but I realized that morning for me I am taking some huge personal risks. It is not just a 3 month trip to NZ, it is a facing my fear. Not that NZ is the fear. In the past I have been really hurt in a similar situaion. Whether it was my persective that hurt me or it was an actual hurt done to me is sort of irrelevant. I still have a memory of pain, so though I have worked through that expereince it is interesting how my mind and heart have relational memory. Muscles have muscle memory, I think our minds and emotions have memory in the same way. When I am in a similar situation it is as if I immediately remember the hurt and want to repsond to protect myself. The only down side to that is I am not in the same situation. And I might miss out on new relationships that are amazing and new experiences that change my life forever. "This isn't that" is what I have to remind myself. But sometimes to replace the relational memory you have to face it to realize 'this isn't that.' So why it looks as if I am just hanging out with two VERY cool people, who I laugh A LOT with, really I am jumping off a cliff.
It reminds me a lot of Bungee jumping. I was able to bungee jump off the World Record Bungee Jump in South Africa. It was SO COOL.
(not me but I jumped off this same bridge and looked just like this guy)
It was so fun and I knew I would love it, but in order to get the adrenaline rush and have the fun, I actually had to jump off the bridge into mid air. Once I did it I never regretted it, but in the leading up to it I had to work through the fear and the desire to stay in control of my life...if I am in control nothing bad happens, right? Yeah that isn't as true as I would like it to be. If I controlled the bungee jump many many bad things would happen: I don't know what I am doing so I am sure that the bungee part of the whole experience (the part where you actually don't just plumet to your death) wouldn't work, I might not have jumped, I wouldn't know how to pull myself up and would have been left dangling under the bridge forever.
Facing hard situations are much like that. I had no idea if the Bungee was going to work and I didn't know the guy that pushed me off the bridge and that brought me back up. I just had to trust and see what happens. Trust is a weird thing. To trust means that there is a level of vulnerability or you wouldn't have to trust. Sometimes in life I don't get to control things...who am I kidding, most times in life I don't control things. But the truth remains the same: just because I control life doesn't mean that I won't get hurt. Control is an illusion. Life has so many factors, from our own past to the decision of other people and circumstances that are out of everyone's control.
I am going to get hurt in life. That is a fact, but if I spend my whole life trying not to get hurt: aka 'controlling my life,' I might miss so much fun stuff. So even though I left on Sunday morning nervous by Monday night, after a few hours of spending time with them I was so energized and excited, not only to do life with these people for a few months, but because I faced a fear. For me trusting is a spiritual experience. I walk through life with Jesus Christ and trusting in an invisible God That is a trust expereince in and of itself. But because of my trust in Jesus and God I am able to believe that somone is with me as I walk through life. Being saved from hurt is impossible, but having God walk next to me is what helps me do things like Bungee Jump to New Zealand.
1 comment:
Holy smokes! that's right! you're leaving for 3 stinking months! (that was a lot of !!)
please post often so we can live through you...i would never bungee jump...and at this point in my life...i could never leave for 3 months. enjoy this adventure.
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