Hospital Pass

Why can't I sleep in this country?!  Now I know it is not New Zealand's fault, but I can count on one hand the number of nights I have a good sleep and slept all the way through the night.  So since I have been up since 3:30 or 4 I thought I would stop thinking and catch up on some great blogs (Shanny supplied me with a new fun one to read today!) It is funny the things I think about when I wake up in the middle of the night.  It usually starts with me trying not to think, hoping I can fool myself into not realizing that I am actually awake.  (I play weird mind games with myself in the middle of the night I have realized in this lack of sleep season)

Once I have admitted to myself I am fully awake I lay their thinking about not thinking about things.  I know, kind of confusing but I do.  I try not to open my eyes at all, I try and focus on anything that doesn't cause me stress or worry, and then I consciously think, 'don't think about work.  don't think about what you could do or say about that situation. don't think about that person's reaction.'  This works really well as you can imagine (said in a very sarcastic tone).

Part of what happens I think (a little self diagnosis, if you will) is that I am processing my day in the middle of the night.  I process emotion all day long.  I'm never really at a lack for knowing what emotion I am having and being able to verbalize it.  But as work and  my personal life unfold and even intersect I don't quite always know how to process all that is happening.  I am bombarded with information or experience all day long, and while I can tell you I feel sad, excited, scared, hopeful, hurt, happy, etc I don't often why I am having all those emotions (which for me to have only one emotion at a time is rare...I often have three or four)

One of the things I love to do (and am lucky enough to do this for a job) is to spot potential in people and organizations and then help them realize that potential.  Part of that experience is me thinking of ways to pull the best in people out of them.  I think about experiences I can create, or words I can say to inspire them, questions I can ask, and vision I can cast to help them see beyond this moment into what they could become.  I just naturally do this, it is the part of my life that is the most fun and the most effortless.  I am realizing though, that this is often times what I am doing in the middle of the night.  I can't seem to turn my brain off.  So if I wake up, I am seeing people and their potential and wondering how I could help them see their potential and live their potential.  

Funny, huh?  It might not be why I am waking up but it definitely happens when I wake up.  This last few weeks though I can tell you that it is a little bit of both:  I wake up because of my mind being on overload with stuff here at work and in my personal life AND once I am up I naturally start to do this.  Let me explain.  I was originally supposed to be heading back to the States on Monday.  It is the most bizarre thing to think about because it just doesn't seem real that this would be my last weekend in NZ.  But originally it was supposed to be.  I have spent a lot of time here with the leaders where I am consulting and helping them build a volunteer culture.  I have not had a specific area to lead here, but have spent my time working with the top level of leaders helping them increase their effectiveness.

A couple of weeks ago my boss came to me and said, "There is a term in Rugby we use here: Hospital Pass.  I need to throw you a hospital pass right now."  Hhmm, not quite sure what that meant, but secretly I got a little excited.  It kind of sounded daring and full adventure.  Yet, at the same time I thought...uh oh what does this really mean?  He went on to explain that in Rugby there are times that you throw a pass knowing that the receiver will catch it and make the play, but the tackle that will follow will put him in the hospital.  That is what I am about to throw to you now that you are staying for at least 6 more months.  

Oh that's all...no big deal (again said in a sarcastic and slightly fearful tone)  I sat on his couch listening, trying not to react but thinking "what the heck did I just get myself into?"  ....and "this is going to be a lot fun!" I am a walking paradox! And I am sometimes too optimistically naive for my own good, but if I thought through all the things I have done in life I would have never done them.  So sometimes naive optimism is my living passport into all sorts of different worlds (and adventures).

He wasn't kidding about this next season being a hospital pass.  It has officially begun and man do I see the ball flying through the air and the opposing  team's rugby players racing towards me.  (please God let a cute rugby player be one of those running towards me...hehehe)  It might be long, it might involve me hurting people's feelings, it might involve me challenging people who think they have things all figured out, it might involve me making some waves when really I kind of just want to be watching the waves at the beach, it will involve me shaking up a place that I am not quite sure really wants to be shaken up, and it will involve me freaking out at numerous points.  You see, the naive optimism eventually wears off...most of the time it wears off in the moment right before the ball is caught and you see the 12 rugby players from the other team about to crash into you and pummel you with delight.

I was supposed to get on a plane on Monday and head back for the States starting a new season of life, instead I am starting a new season right here in NZ.  Truth:  I am so glad that I am here and can't wait to begin.  It's kind of nice to not think through things before you do them sometimes.  If I did I would have missed out on so much in my life.  I definitely still miss friends at home, but I LOVE the people that are in my life here and feel pretty lucky to be doing what I am doing, with the friends that I have made, and living by the beach (c'mon living by the beach makes a hospital pass seem not that bad...)