Impacts Sometimes Hurt

I had the coolest and strangest thing happen tonight. I was sitting in a bar after a great concert tonight by these cool guys that don't go to church but agreed to play a gig at ours this week. They said it was pretty risky for them to do it and felt quite nervous. They were INCREDIBLE and our crowd loved them. In fact it was one of the most alive moments that I have seen the group I hang with be since I have been in NZ.

As I was sitting there listening to them talk about the song they were the most nervous about playing because of what it meant and especially because of the lyrics "religion might be the thing that destroys the world" I thought of the risk they take to expose their inner wrestling of big issues like faith and hope and love. See these guys grew up in Ireland, and when you watch 1000's of people die because of two different religions it is hard to think anything that is at all connected to religion is good. There is no connection between faith and anything hopeful or loving, but yet these guys are grappling with how to make sense of this world and are courageous enough to put their heart on the line and share it with the world.

The truth is Christianity is connected to religion in most people's eyes. Whether it is a religion or not is kind of irregardless, because to most people they equate Christian with religion (or one of the religions to choose from). It was so interesting to talk to these guys and have them teach us so much tonight. They modeled risk, not only in their music since like great artist and song writers do, they wrote from a very real place in their soul. But they also risked by walking into a place that does not share their beliefs or faith and opened up to us. And out of that place they made a huge impact on me. There was no pretense, just an expression of what they saw in the world and how they are grappling with it all. Ironically, want to know what the chours of the song that the above lyric was from? "Freedom is Coming."

I felt as if they were speaking into the future based on what they saw in the present. Religion couldn't be it for them. There had to be more. And as they expressed authenticity, I came face to face with humanity and God all at once. What do I really believe? What do I really care about? Not what do I say I care about, but what really moves me to action? What really makes me wrestle with life? And what hope do I really see? I felt honored to learn from a band what HOPE was. They were a voice of hope in a generation that is searching for something bigger than themselves.

Making an impact is one of the greatest rushes possible. To see that your words, song, or life can make a difference in someone's life or in the life of a group of people or city or nation goes beyond what words can express. It has been a long few weeks for me here in New Zealand. The last few weeks I feel like I have had the last few months catch up with me. As I have lived my life here there have been many moments that I have stepped in land mines that I didn't know existed. I wasn't looking for them, but simply found them as I did things that seemed super normal to me. But what seemed normal and the only way I knew to live life, ended up exposing greater things all around me and in me.

I decided that making an impact isn't alway that fun. In my head an impact is a moment of encouraging someone, telling them how great they are, changing their world because you called out their greatness. But the truth is that sometimes an impact hurts. When something makes an impact on something else both objects are usually changed. In my head, an impact has always been a positive experience. I know, maybe a bit naive, but very true for me. This week I was reminded that impacts hurt and aren't always the most fun. But tonight as this sweet girl came and talked to me I had to smile internally at our conversation. One of my least stellar moments I blogged about a few weeks ago came around again tonight. And out of that moment, I had this girl come to me tonight and model great humility and say to me that though she thought I was CRAZY and wrong a few weeks ago, she was so thankful that I said and did what I did that week. She went on to share her journey with learning to love people that weren't like her and see beyond herself. She ended by saying I am so glad that you didn't go back to CA yet, and that you were here to say the things you did.

I laugh to myself, as I walk away, thinking "huh, if only she could have seen me leave that night." (if we recall I cried a lot, ate A LOT of ice cream and cried some with Michelle more than once over the next few days) I walked away devastated and so upset at the situation and myself that night And ironically, after that night I walked into situation after situation where I just seemed to upset people either by what I said, challenged them on or just by something I simply did. Living a life of risk and caring about things bigger than yourself seems awfully glamorous. In fact, I dreamed of living a life like that. What I didn't dream of was getting in my car crying wondering why I came to NZ. Leaving a group of people wondering why I am here? Doing my job and upsetting person after person and thinking is this really worth it? I tend to not think of what hard parts might come along with "living a life that impacts others" and at the same time I tend to forget the hard parts of times when I have seen people impacted. Some call it denial some call it a positive spirit...let's go with positive spirit.

I want to make an impact, but I want to make impact after a positive and encouraging experience. But that just isn't always reality. My heart is tender and as thick as skin as I have developed over the years thanks to my dad and years of working with people, it will always be tender. No matter how good I might know it is to say or do something, when I know it has upset another person...even if I believe it will lead to a greater good, I walk away usually at one point with tears in my eyes. These are the moments I wonder why does God use me? There are so many stronger people out there that won't end up in tears and all worked up, but will logically be able to see the impact will be good eventually, even if it is not seen now. I am just not one of those people. I might tell myself that in my head, but my heart takes a few days to catch up with that.

I hope that I can live a life like the band I hung out with tonight. Their goal isn't making an impact, their goal simply is to express what is going on in their hearts, minds and soul. Their courage is HUGE trusting that what is in them will be used in someone's life. I want to have that courage...trusting that my part is authentically wrestling through life's hard realities and sharing that with others. My job isn't making an impact, but maybe my job is making sure that when an impact is made on me I receive it and allow it to change me forever. Out of that place maybe, just maybe others will be changed, not by my desire to make an impact, but by the authenticity of a human soul that has encountered God and humanity.