Confession: I am playing "grown up." I remember looking at these men and women who were so much older and wiser than me and thinking, 'wow they are so mature' or 'man I hope I am that cool' or 'I can't wait to be where they are in life.' This weekend this was my thought, "Yikes I am there and I feel nothing like they look." When did that happen?
I took my little friend Audrey to get her hair cut with me. We spent the day doing 'girly' things, getting our hair done, calling each other on our cell phones (her's is a pink princess phone, but apparentlly it has the ability to call me because she is always talking to me on it), putting on make up, going to lunch, and of course, going to ice cream...because remember what is life without a little dessert? Life without desserts is a stressed out life and that is no way to enjoy the moments that we are given. Throughout the day Audrey giggled and smiled and checked in every so often with me to just tell me she was having a fun day. It made me smile to see her sweet little face so excited to just be hanging out with the "older girls." A little bit crazy to believe that I am no longer that little three year old watching all my mom's friends hoping they take me to the store with them, or put their make up on me, or let me sit in their room while they get ready. Ahhh. the innocence of a young child.
At the end of the day I dropped Audrey off and met friends for drinks at a bar in Pasadena for one of our friend's birthday. I laughed a little as I entered the structure to park thinking how adult it feels to be meeting friends for drinks. Doesn't that stuff only happen on TV? Walking into the bar I thought, well I am guess I am officially grown up now.
Funny thing is though, yesterday as I got ready for work I couldn't decide what to wear. And then it happened. I realized I am not grown up at all! Let me allow you into my mind for a quick second. It wasn't a clothes crisis where nothing looked the way I wanted, nope here is what went through my head: which dana do I want to be today? If I wear this baby doll dress I am innoncent looking sweet Dana. If I wear this dress I am leader Dana that deserves attention. If I wear this dress with tights I am trendy Dana. And all of a sudden I stopped cold. Have I really not grown up? All I was doing was dressing the Barbie doll-- or Dana Doll--to fit who I wanted to be. Yikes, first of all was I really choosing my clothes based on which Dana I wanted to be? And second when was there numerous Dana's to choose from? Heaven help me if I have not grown up enough to realize that I no longer pick which Barbie--Trendy Dana, LA Dana, Leader Dana--I want to be. When we are little we use our imagination to be whatever and whoever we want to be. That is part of the fun of being a kid. The crazy thing is that a lot of times those choices really do reveal who we are deep inside and even who we want to become.
My friend Scott was reminding me it is the same with guys. His theory is that every young boy either picks Luke Skywalker or Han Solo to be when they are little--two different types of heros, but the same heroic heart. To be a hero, to be invincible, to be fearless--that's why little boys like Star Wars and Super Heros. Dolls, Star Wars Characters, Super Heros are who we want to be. We can be all the things we aren't sure if we can be and acheive on our own. We can be the perfect girl or we can be the hero of the story every time. But aren't we supposed to grow out of that? Is that being a grown up?
I just had to laugh as I realized that all my "growing up" hasn't really helped me grow up. I litterally said "I don't want to be this Dana or that Dana," just 24 short hours after I thought I was so "grown up" meeting friends for drinks. The irony of it all! Seriously, did I think putting on a piece of clothing was going to make me someone different. I am still playing "dress up." I am not proud of it, but it did make me laugh and shake my head, reminding me of who I have not yet become. I am reading this book right now that says that the signs of becoming a mature person is to love people more, to not stir up trouble, to be kind to people, to look out for other people, to be able to control yourself, be more patient with people. Some people call it emotional intelligence, some people call it relationale intelligence, but this author just simply called it maturity. Again I will say it--YIKES. I was definitely more worried about what dress I was going to wear to work than any of those things.
Ironic, Audrey and me might just be at the same spot this week...
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