Perfection is so great. Perfection is nothing going wrong. Perfection is everyone being happy. Perfection is always making enough money. Perfection is always being the weight you want to be (and not just a number on your drivers license). Perfection is never letting anyone down. Perfection is flawless planning and execution every time. Perfection is not me....
If there were a support group for Perfectionist (Hi my name is ________ and I am a perfectionist) I wouldn't go. I would like to tell you I would but I just wouldn't. Why? It's simple: the unwritten rule with being perfect is even if you think you might not be perfect you NEVER tell that to anyone. That's a no brainer. The funny thing is that I really think I am perfect. I think today I was more shocked than anyone that I had to walk into my office and sit with my two bosses and tell them I couldn't do something. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it was the last thing I wanted to do. I felt a little bit crazy the last few days as I argued with myself about this idea. "just suck it up you can do this" "no your body is screaming at you to stop" "do you know what you will now be labeled if you say you can't do it?" "but will I even be around to hear the labels given to me if keep killing my body" Back and forth back and forth, then it happened. I looked in the eyes of a young girl that aspires to do what I do for a living. And everything changed. As I looked in her eyes I not only saw her, but I saw all these young lives I am investing in. All of a sudden I realized if I "push through" this season of my life, even though I feel horrible, I have just set the bar so high and am responsibe for false advertising. I have become the con artist of the human soul. I deceive people into thinking that perfection is a real option and set people up for sure failure. And those "people" are not just people, they are hearts that I love. I don't want the little eyes that watch me, Elli, or Raya, or Judah, or Jacob, or Madeleine, or Audrey or Zane to learn from me that perfection is reality or even fun. It's not....
I realized today that being imperfect acutally has more perks than I thought. I think of the amount of times I have called one of my five best friends from college hysterically crying, and then remembered just how loved and accepted I feel by them. I think there was a stretch there that Sea Jay got a minumum of a call a day, reality was that it was two a day (one on the way to work sitting in traffic hating the city I live in, and one on the way home from work yet again sitting in traffic wondering why I live in this city) But the amount I laugh with those girls and am accepted by those girls feels exponentially higher than the fear of exposure of my imperfection.
I think of my friend Chad who has seen me cry more times at work than any other single person...from the days when I answered 100 emails a day and made spreadsheets (bad spreadsheets) to the countless times I have come and just stood next to him while I cried so I could regain composure until I could face the world again, to the ridiculous ugly cry on stage after my heart was broken by some guy that didn't like me. Yet he is one of my closest and safest friends at work and one of my biggest cheerleaders.
And my friend Mandy who met me in a very insecure moment on the way to bagels in NY, then only knew me with Migraines so never got to see me in any other way except pain and discomfort. And tonight I opened up the gift she gave me for my birthday....a 12 pack of diet coke with each one wrapped in a note of encouragement and thanks to how much I mean to her and her family. Weird, she saw and experienced my imperfection yet she has done numerous things like this to tell me how much she loves me and admires me.
Showing up at Scott and Amy's house crying one more time (week after week), yet seeing them actually excited to see me at their door with puffy red eyes and nothing to give. And hearing Scott say if you can't show up lookin' awful with red eyes to our house where can you show up that way? Wait they keep seeing me imperfect yet it is not only my safe place to escape they actually like having me around???
It seems rather counter intuitive, but that is just it. Being perfect doesn't get your friends and money and success. Being perfect or thinking your are perfect actually stops friendships, caps your success because of the fear of someone seing you aren't perfect, and allows you to miss out on making huge differences in the world.
I saw it so clearly today as my boss listened to my admission of imperfection. It opened up a whole new conversation and a much larger conversation about the way we treat people where I work. The way that we value the human heart and mind. The way that we communicate what is really important in life. I walked away realizing that this word INTEGRITY that so many companies throw around these days really is so connected to pride and humility and even courage. My need to be perfect or my disillusionment that I was perfect was stoppping a much larger moment where I got to be even more significant and influential. It just took the courage of me walking in and admitting the thing that not only I knew wasn't true, but that everyone else knew as well.
The goal isn't to be significant or influential for me, but I can tell you this: the difference I wanted to make with my life seemed to quadruple once I admitted I wasn't perfect.
Funny thing is being imperfect isn't all that bad...in fact today I realized it felt kind of good. Stressed backwards spells DESSERTS and desserts are way more fun than stress. Perfection creates stress. Desserts create a smile. And just think does the chocolate cake taste any different if it is put on your plate in a perfect piece or put on your plate in a mangled mess? NOPE it doesn't, it taste just as yummy "imperfect"
I might try living this imperfect life...seems like the stress of perfection just isn't worth it.
Chocolate cake is chocolate cake. No matter what the shape of the piece looks like I still love it...who knew desserts could teach me so much about life?
Talk to you later....
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