I am MYSELF...YIKES

"I wasn't myself"  

Have you ever had one of those moments?  You were doing something and either in the moment or soon after you thought, "That wasn't me.  I just wasn't myself."  I heard someone say once, "Actually the scary part is you were yourself, you just didn't like who was in there or what came out."  I kind of hated that line, but it's pretty true.  I am me, so when I act a certain way I don't like I would love to think that it isn't me, but I just did it or said it so unless my body was invaded by aliens then I was acting like myself....  

GUTTED

Yesterday was one of those days that just kept seeming to show the worst parts of me.  It started with a couple friends really disappointed in me, which never feels good.  Followed immediately by me arguing with the Credit Card company because they held my card once again because of NZ purchases.  That moment ended with me crying at that lady as I read on my computer how I hurt a friend.  Awesome, huh?  My poor office mate just looked at me and said, "want me to go get Michelle for you?"  Then he went and got me a Diet Coke to make me smile.

I was pretty shattered after a few more hard work situations and went home to a very HAPPY thing:  TWO HUGE BOXES from my Mom with my winter clothes, Mac Make up!!!, fun candy that my friends Jared, Michelle and Ingrid were really happy about--she sent them candy you can only get in the States,  and hair products from the states.  She is so good to me...even Uncle Neville got a treat!

Ali made me dinner (ahh the paradise I have landed in, she makes dinner every night and today she did my laundry, took my car to get the warrant while I was at work and wouldn't let me pay her for it...what the heck??!  She is AWESOME!) and I headed off to hang out with some friends.  The night ended up taking a couple bad turns and led to a conversation I did not want to have.  My big goal was not to do anything to stupid or awkward, but I took that to a whole new level.   I had no emotional energy left to respond or think clearly so I emotionally reacted the whole night.   And let me tell you I was VERY fired up, but not really thinking clearly.   It was not one of my most prettiest moments as a leader.  I just "wasn't myself." I got in my car and cried, and did what any decent girl would do:  went home talked to Michelle and ate a HUGE bowl of ice cream.  I didn't even like the flavor but it just made me feel better.

I woke up this morning crying and still so upset about all that had happened.  But this morning I realized how harsh I was and even more how arrogant I was being.  Again, I would love to say I wasn't myself, but I was is the scary part.  I saw how I was more angry at people than compassionate towards the place they were in.  I wanted them to be further down the road, and instead of helping them move forward or point out anything they did well I went the other extreme and made sure they knew what I didn't like they did.  I told you it wasn't pretty.   Once I worked through that and made a commitment to go clean up the mess I made tonight I thought I would go for a quick bike ride by the beach to the Mount and jog around it to clear my head and give me better perspective. Right before I headed out the door I was tying my shoes on the kitchen floor talking to Uncle Neville and he asked me about last night. I started crying all over! He listened and gave me encouragement and advice. And I knew was that I definitely had to go for a work out or everyone I saw would get TEAR FEST USA from me.

I rode down there and it took just a few moments of seeing the Beach and heading towards the Mount to relax and remember that I do not control the world...I know, not a news flash but sometimes I need that reminder.  I parked my bike, grabbed my iPod listening to my favorite podcast: This American Life and headed up the trail to run around the Mount.  I was so into my podcast that I was actually running rather fast, and thought man this is going to be a really fast run for me....not two seconds later I tripped over a rock, catapulting my body towards the ground and skidded (yes you read that right), landing on my arm and side about two feet in front me with my iPod about 4 feet in front of me.  I laid there thinking, CRAP I don't have insurance until May 1st.  My arm hurt so bad and my hands had holes and gravel and blood in them. (I am fine now just a little sore)




So I gathered my little self up, walked for a few minutes, jogged the rest of the way to my bike as I laughed at the situation. The fall actually made me laugh for the first time in a day. And then my dad had the best statement of all as I was retelling him the situation: "Well, Dana, God is just reminding you He is in control and not you." Why are parents so smart?!

I came home, walked in with my bottom lip out to see Ali in the kitchen. Like a five year old I blurted out, "I fell." She gave me a hug then promptly started laughing at me and we had a good chuckle at how life works. Then Uncle Neville came in the kitchen with these GORGEOUS flowers from him and Ali to make me smile and tell me they were glad I live with them.

I really do think I landed in paradise, but in all seriousness I am so thankful for all that I am learning here. And that I have people that will cry with me and laugh at me when I need it, so I don't get to serious for my own good. Well, I am off to clean up my mess and spend the night laughing with some great friends!!!

Hope you enjoyed this weeks antics....