Blurred Vision

Well I realized tonight that it has been FOREVER since I sat down and blogged. Life got a little crazy getting ready for New Zealand, Christmas, going to Redding and packing up my life into many boxes and moving them to my parents.


My incredible parents came down to LA and early Saturday morning moved all my stuff with the help of two GREAT friends, Larry & Mark, moved all my stuff in the apt into a uhaul trailer. I literally didn't move one thing---I was at Weight Watchers working all morning. It was a very surreal experience to come back to my apt alone and see none of my stuff in there. I felt like I flashed back to the last 3 1/2 years in LA. I think moving my stuff is the best thing, but it was a really weird sense of closure. Yet I have no new direction. Like looking at a 3D picture within a picture and your eyes go blurry in order to see the hidden picture. You have to be willing to let your eyes go completely blurred to see what is next. In essence, lose complete control of your eyes for a brief moment to see something better. So with blurry eyes, I got in my car and headed up North to my parents.

I really had no desire to reflect too much because I was filled with emotion and it seemed too taxing to cry forever, and seeing the way I deal with change is by crying, I knew that would be what those moments would hold. I did take a little time to reflect and feel like there are so many things in my head that don't make sense. I can't imagine not living next to some of my friends in LA and doing life with them, but I can't imagine some days moving back. I am not sure how to make any of this fit together so I don't try. I will stay in that blurry spot without blinking my eyes, and I think it might be like that for awhile.

Christmas came and went and was filled with so many old memories and new memories. I had a great time hanging out with my parents and spending a ton of time with the Aiello family. I giggled when I looked at pictures from my family and from theirs, seeing how much I look like them more than my own family:)



I headed up to Redding yesterday and reveled in the lack of traffic. I am excited to hang out with old friends, spend time with their kids and enjoy the SNOW!! Yep I said snow! Right now it is lightly snowing outside and is supposed to snow tomorrow. It is crazy to see (since Redding doesn't really get snow) and realize in less than three weeks I will be on a beach in New Zealand. I do have to say I am not too sad about that fact. The warm NZ beaches sound pretty great as I sit in my friend Sea Jay's living room FREEZING!



(this is Raya freezing because we made her stay outside so we can take this picture...SNOW FUN!)

Each morning I seem to wake up excited, but very aware that I have no idea what the next few months hold. The idea of blurred vision is very present each moment with me. Everyone has their guesses and their desires. I think I have heard at least 5 times since I have been in Redding, "when you move up here after NZ." And then I hear from Amy in LA, get a text from Cindy, or have an entire night of dreams about Audrey and wonder how can I not be there. I feel like there is a such a void without them and feel stuck in wherever I am I will face loss. In life you have to endure loss sometimes. I hate that fact and try to avoid it at all cost. But sometimes the comfortable control of my eyesight feels better. The first picture I am looking at is fine, I convince myself. I don't need to see the other picture. Will it be that great any way?

But the truth is, it usually is worth it. It becomes an absolutely incredible feeling to see and realize you adjusting your eyes and losing control of your eyesight for a moment enables you to see something far beyond what you could originally comprehend. The process is not the easiest but the element of new and adventure keeps me going. I love to have control of my life, but I love more adventure and dreaming. So for now I sit in Redding, loving spending time up here, while at the same time missing Amy and Scott and the kids, Cindy, Janice and parts of LA. Life is just going to be a little blurry, and I know that I might not see the "other" picture for months. But I have this feeling the wait will be worth it.

Makin' Tamales

I have never made Tamales before...until Saturday night! I went to Lori's house to assemble 100's of Tamales. It was so fun. And I do have to say they were good! I can't wait to do them again!

This is Amanda trying our master pieces!

Things That Makes Me Happy

Real Life Army Men

Remember what you played when you were little? When I was little I loved playing house. Well, not just house--Disaster House. To just play house and take care of my babies was not nearly exciting enough. In my head there was always some disaster and I had to take care of people. My favorites were Plane Crash and Scary Man Trying To Get Us. I would care for people, making sure everyone was okay while we waited for someone to rescue us. But if the "someone" took too long, I would get everyone together and we would get to safety, while I simultaneously made sure they were okay and no one was left behind or hurt.

Does it really surprise you, if you know me? I kind of laugh to think about it because in some ways it is what I have done over the years. They weren't really my "kids" or my "house" but I am always SO concerned that people are okay (feeling valued) and that something is actually happening or being accomplished (it is way too boring to just sit around and do nothing). Many times I have had the privilege of helping people get out of very sticky or dangerous situations. Kind of weird that I live out what I played when I was little.

This week I found out my brother was just promoted in the military branch he serves, to Major! He will be working with NATO accomplishing many things that he doesn't tell his little sister. I am so proud of him! His promotion reminded me of what I played when I was little. You see, my brother was rarely NOT playing army men when we were little. Those little green men were seriously ALL over the house. If we played Lincoln Logs, it was not for the "house" I wanted to build, it was a fort for them. If we played outside in the field (which we did often) we didn't play anything I wanted, we played war. I LOVED being with my brother when I was little and would play anything he would let me play with him, but how do you care for those little green guys?

I eventually gave up and went in the house, or played in another part of the field and played disaster house. In my head, though, my brother and I were still playing together. He just didn't know it :) He was saving people in one area of the field and I was saving them in another.

So maybe you do grow up to be what you played when you were little. My brother and I both had deep convictions to care for people and though we are VERY different (I like to say--night and day different) I am reminded this week that in our family people always came first. My parents didn't care how we cared for people, but it was not an option to care for people. I could NEVER do the military, but I am SO proud of my brother and the way he defends our country and strategically helps others.

What did you play when you were little?

AGGHH....1 Month

I leave for New Zealand in exactly one month from today!!! Yikes!

Here's what I have to look forward to...

Planned Spontaneity

I LOVE a plan. I love the structure of a plan. I love the closure of a plan. I love seeing a plan accomplished almost as much as I love to have a plan.

As I drove around LA today I thought about my love for plans and realized that I live in a city that THRIVES in the creative "last minute" with no plan. AGHHH! Now, that isn't bad, but it is VERY different than me. I find so much freedom and excitement in having a plan. Once the plan is there that plan can be changed. But I need to start with a plan. It's not that I don't like spontaneity. I just like to plan to have no plans: Spontaneity. I am actually very excited to go into the UNKNOWN of New Zealand. I know that I don't know what is going to happen there, but that is the plan...no idea of all that could happen. For me, I THRIVE in the midst of a plan. The plan doesn't have to be rigid, it just is nice that it is there. It can change, end, adjust, or blow up, but at least there was a plan to start. I kind of get giddy to think of my plans. It makes me smile to think of the plan and look forward to something.

My friends Scott and Amy tease me that every time I with them I make a plan: A plan to be Spontaneous with the Reynolds. It's true, I am not going to lie. But I LOVE that. I love that my plan is to just go and whatever happens happens. It makes me smile. Last night I "stopped by" to get my boots I left there. That was at 5:30...I hung out with the kids until 7:30....I fell asleep on their couch at 8:30....I woke up and left at 11. A typical night at the Reynolds. And I LOVED it. I rarely know what is going to happen, but I know that I will feel at home with them and have a great time. I couldn't have planned to go over, watch a movie with the kids in their room, talk about the latest drama in my life, eat yummy hot popcorn Scot makes me, and fall asleep for three house on their couch. But I couldn't have "planned" a more perfect night. It was exactly what I needed.

This is a glimpse of the next few months of my life. I have the plan of going to New Zealand and coming back. That is where my plans start and stop. I have no idea what New Zealand will hold, and I have no idea what will come after that, but I do know that it will be exactly what I needed, and something so GREAT that I never could have planned it on my own.

I know the guy who wrote Dexter this week!

Well Scott wrote an AMAZING show that aired this Sunday night on Showtime! Dexter is now legitimately one of my favorite shows. I have to admit I started watching it in support of my friend Scott, but Dexter won my heart over. Sunday night we had the treat to watch the episode that Scott wrote. It was so fun to see the opening credits with "Written by Scott Reynolds."

We started off the night with Dinner...and not just any dinner. It had to be food inspired by the show.

The Harlow's brought "Thursday Night Pizza"-- wrapped in saran wrap--Dexter's favorite


And Special Agent Lundy's perfect Sandwich at exactly 1pm



The Hooker Hands I made (don't ask if you don't watch the show...)



And Blood Spattered Chocolate Dipped Pretzels (and Audrey)



Chelsea and Me waiting for it to begin...



Kristin, Alison, Rebecca, and Amy waiting anxiously for the show to start



Two of my most favorite people--Cindy and Amy



Scott and Jimmy...being Scott and Jimmy:)



Can't wait for it to begin...



So excited to watch Scott's episode!!



It was an excellent show! And even though my name got cut out (a dead hooker had the name Dana Evans...hehehehehe, but my name didn't make it in, but I feel pretty cool that Scott wrote it in even if it didn't make it on the show)
It is so fun to support Scott and so easy to be proud to of what a great writer he is. If you haven't ever seen Dexter you are missing out!

If I had a show on the Food Network...

I LOVE the Food Network! Right now I am watching a whole show on Ginger Bread. Did you know that Queen Elizabeth I invented the first Gingerbread Man? She did...

Which reminded me of the fun that Audrey, Zane and I had making our own Ginger Bread House...





I secretly pretended I was on the Food Network--my show is called "Fun Food"






And I would only have fun people on it like Audrey and Zane!