I HATE packing! There is nothing worse than looking at your life and figuring out how to put it into dozens of brown boxes marked with a sharpie to signify your life's memories up until this point. Today my good friend Nichole came over and helped me pack my entire kitchen. I have to say, though, there is something internal that happens for me while I pack: a reminder of the past, a closure of the present and a hope for the future.
As I think of packing up my life in LA as I know it right now, I have gone through a million emotions. Just like packing up my stuff, I seem to have a process of packing up my emotions, memories, and reflections of the time I spent so far in LA. I can't seem to just pack a box and not think about what those things represent before I close up that box. I spent a lot of time thinking about my move to LA 3 and 1/2 years ago. I was surprised at what was exposed in that time of reflection: rebellion and stubbornness.
Who would have thought? Well, for one, my mom. When I told my parents that I was moving to LA, she asked me if I was running away from a couple of hard situations. With the brattiness of a 14 year old girl I said, ABSOLUTELY NOT! I was heading to LA to start a new life, begin my masters, and have a new adventure. While all those things were the result, I am afraid that my move here was much more about what I thought was a good plan and not what was necessarily a good plan.
Bottom line: I freaked out. My boyfriend had moved to Redding on a Wednesday, broke up with me on Thursday (I didn't realize it until my good friend Danielle told me she thought that is just what happened), I clarified the break up on Friday, he left on Saturday and I never heard from him again. My former supervisor who I LOVED left my job, one of my best friends, Danielle, who I worked with, wasn't returning to work so she could have her first baby, and all of my best friends were married with kids in Redding, and there was NO way I was going to end up stuck in Redding single forever. So I left. I came up with a good plan and ran. This started a very long 3 and 1/2 years.
I have personal relationship with God through the person of Jesus Christ. And as I have studied and read about who He is and how much He loves me, I don't think I really understood what unconditional love is until this week. You see, what I understand from the Scriptures is that God will never leave or forsake us. He even promises to guide those who choose to be in a personal relationship with Him. It is like having the perfect counselor with you at all times. And the price that we pay these days for counselors, it is nice to know that God offers one to everyone at no cost to us.
Since I moved to LA I feel like I have been walking in mud. It has not been easy since the moment I moved here from relationships, to jobs, to my emotions, and my health. I blame LA for so much of the hard part of my last 3 years. But this week I saw that it wasn't LA it was me. I have the opportunity to go to New Zealand for three months. I am not at all nervous that Grant and Deby, who invited me, are going to take care of me the whole time I am there. Yet, I claim to love and trust God and I don't believe that He is going to take care of me. How can I claim to trust and love Him, when I really don't? And how can I even invite others to experience God when I am not experiencing Him?
As I reflected on that this weekend, I had this inner peace all of a sudden, followed by a flood of memories from 3 and 1/2 years ago while I was getting ready to come to LA. I was bombarded with the memory of my fear, the stubborn thoughts of I can plan a better life, the attitude that I will take care of myself, and the defiannt posture I took while I stated that I would NOT be trapped single in Redding. How did that work out for me? Well, ironically, I grew incredibly, I worked at this great place, I influenced people for good, I made great friends, I became a nicer person, I conquered LA...but on the inside I was miserable. I am not sure that I had a week that I didn't cry while I lived in LA. I felt abandoned, alone, stressed, unhappy, confused, unfulfilled, and depressed.
What happened? I won't ever claim to be an expert, but I can tell you this: I experienced God in a personal way this week and was reminded that I can talk to the God of the universe, I can be guided by Him, I can trust that He loves me and has good plans for me, and I can ask Him to guide me, I can ask Him for help and believe He will take care of me. Just like I can trust Grant and Deby to take care of me in NZ, and have no need to know the exact plans while I am there, how much more can I trust the creator of this world and of me. Strangely, this comes through submitting to authority--the authority of this God. We seem to HATE authority and being told what to do in our world today. I live in a city that says that I can create my life and no one can tell me I can't. As I look back at my last few years I am overwhelmed with sadness at how much I missed. My stubbornness kept me from experiencing not the good things God had for me, but a relationship of depth with God. I did get good things along the way. I have great friends, like Scott and Amy and the kids. I have had the chance to do fun LA/Hollywood things. I have had the entertainment industry at my fingers tip. None of that solved the unsettled frustration inside me. It is much like when you get to spend the day doing your favorite activity but are with someone that you don't like. It doesn't matter how great the activity is, the company makes a difference. In this case my "company" was ME. I didn't like being with myself.
I have a warped view of God sometimes. Sometimes I don't believe that I can really trust him to love me with nothing in return. Everything cost something, right? No one is just nice to you without a hidden motive, right? But He does. He loves me and says follow me into your future it is great. He doesn't force me, but He is a knows the future and knows what is ahead. The truth about life is that those who know they are loved are typically more loving and secure people. God wants us to know that love. He doesn't need a marketer to convince people he is real. I don't think He really cares who knows He is real, He cares if you know you are loved. And once you are loved you can't help but love other people and share the love with other people. It really is just an automatic reaction.
More than just great plans He has for me, He has offered me constant companionship. I saw how gracious God was to me by not letting my plans work, by not allowing my longings to be fulfilled, by not giving me everything I wanted....all of these things did something counter intuitive. It actually helped me know God more. I didn't realize it when it was happening, but it was the result. This week when I admitted why I really moved to LA, I had this extreme instant feeling of peace. It was as if I relaxed for the first time in over three years. I didn't have any walls us trying to protect myself or my world I was creating.
The even more counter intuitive part: I felt connected to God like I hadn't for years. I saw that His promise of being present at all times and not leave me to be true. And that co-existed with the feelings of trudgery that I felt as I lived in LA. I asked God why and how those things can be simultaneous? I thought of my parents. They loved me so tangible and deeply over the last three years. They just seem to know this wasn't the best option for me yet they never said that. They consistently supplied me with money, a listening ear, encouragement, words of hope and support, a place to crash when I could take it no longer and over and over they said we want to see you succeed. They got nothing in return, they didn't think this was the best idea, they lost money on the whole situation....yet they loved me, were with me in this process, and reminded me that you can be present with someone wether you agree or disagree. Their love and support was not dependent on what I did or didn't do. They freely gave. Hmmm, this was what God had been allowing me to learn. I saw glimpses of it over the last few years, but never so clearly as this week. He loves me, he wants nothing in return, and he genuinely wants me to walk in what he has for me because he knows the future. It isn't about me figuring out what I want, it is about me learning to trust his goodness. I can have all I want but it didn't make the angst in my soul disappear, it just seem to expose it more.
I guess I realized so much this week. Just because I can do whatever I want, doesn't mean that is the best for my heart or soul. God knows no time, so He is in the future. I have committed to follow God and submit to His authority, not because he has coaxed me into it, not because I can have whatever I want, not because I have to earn love, but because He loves me and wants what is best for me. I don't fully get it, but I do get this. The last 5 days were a night and day difference from the first 3 & 1/2 years. The angst in my soul was gone, the pressure to make my life happen subsided, the stress in my body ceased, and intimacy with God was restored.
This week I admitted that I thought my way would work and His would not and was met with a feeling of love and goodness and peace. There are a lot of ways it seems to God, but I don't think that is what this loving God teaches. There are not rules to being in a personal relationship to God. He is in the future so I can choose to get to know Him, choose to trust Him by learning about Him and obeying, and not buy into what the illusion that I can figure out my own life. There are just too many factors I don't know and can't control. But I did get to know God and I do know I can trust him. It has been years and years of getting to know each other, but in the midst of that I realized that my response can only be to trust him. I tried figuring out life on my own and it didn't work out for me. I would rather be trapped in a cabin in the woods all by myself for the rest of my life (which those of you that know me realize that is pure torture for me!) then live with the angst of attempting to do life by myself. Following God is so much more fulfilling and exhilarating. Don't get me wrong it is not easy. Sometimes his guidance leads me to face fears, or be nice to people that have hurt me, or try things that are risky, but the difference between doing something with someone trustworthy and not doing it all by myself is no contest for me.
I had to look back over some things before I packed this season of my life away. I LOVE closure and seem to have a deep need for it. I can't leave a conversation without saying good bye, I can't get disconnected on a phone call that was about to end anyway, without calling back to say goodbye, I can't leave things undone...before I closed this box I had to see what I was really putting in there. Like with packing, I don't want to get to my new place and open and unpack a box and realize that I brought something that I didn't want and don't need with me. When I close up a box with tape I want to be sure that what is in it I need in the next place and I am not wasting energy by dragging something unneeded or hindering for my next place. That seems to be what this last month in LA has been all about...going through my past, cleaning up the present, and closing up the box to get ready for my future.
