On One Hand

I can count the number of days until I leave for New Zealand on one hand! I am not sure how I feel about that???
This has been such a weird week. Most people are in denial I am really leaving and I think I am too.

I get on a plane so soon and face a lot of big fears that no one can see except me. I kind of like security and stability and right now I don't feel a whole lot of either. I have been so reflective and so sad the last day or two. So much change has happened in the last 6 months and I am about to step into so much more. Adventure is fun and I crave it, but I forget that after the glamour of adventure wears off there is so much emotion left behind for me to sort through.

That is what this week is all about. I love to dream and feel a little stuck right now because I don't know how to dream about New Zealand and I definitely don't know how to dream about April. Everything feels stuck in this spot with this overarching feeling that surely I missed what I am supposed to do with my life. Kind of like my driving in LA. I always seem to second guess myself and freak out that I missed my exit or that I am lost. I typically get off the freeway at that point turn around and end up more lost and more late than if I would have just waited a little bit longer. When in reality if I would go just one more exit I would see the exit I was looking for. Yesterday and today I so badly wanted to just jump off the freeway as fast as I could...but the dreamer/adventure part of me wants so badly to see what is next. But it is SO HARD to be in this spot today.

I am still excited and can't wait to just be on the plane Sunday night, but I am not gonna lie...I did ask this week what the heck I am doing? It is funny how past situations can so shape your attitude and your mindset. This week a couple fears came up that shocked me and immediately made me say I am not going to trust anyone in NZ. Healthy, right? I will figure out how to trust, but man running away seems like a great option right now.

I am excited to see my friends in New Zealand. I am excited to see what is there for me. I am excited to see a part of me come alive there. But I am sad to say good bye to friends here. I am sad that my workplace will move on without a skip of a beat. I am sad that I don't know if I will really ever live here again. I am sad that I haven't put roots down anywhere yet.

I guess the future is always unknown but today I just feel the reality of it so acutely.

Who knew that on one hand so many emotions, thoughts, fears, concerns, and dreams could rest?